Essay Contest Thread (Win up to 4 Credits a month!)

[Lu Xun]

I'm bored and I like to do stuff like this. The purpose of this thread is to set up an essay contest; I pick a theme or a motif, you write on that theme / motif, and the writer of the one I judge to be the best gets 2 credit, for a total of 4 credits available in the pot. I might increase the winnings later on, but this month I just bought a trashed motorcycle and my finances are going to be wonky.

 

Here are the terms of the contest:

 

-There are two contests, first, a constrained writing contest, where the essay must be of a certain length and meet certain conditions, and second, a freestyle contest where the essay simply has to be good. Any applications to the freestyle contest can only win the pot for the freestyle essay, but any applications to the constrained writing contest can win the contest for the freestyle essay as well.

 

-Each contestant is allowed only one submission for both contests, so you can try to win 4 credits from the constrained and the freestyle, or just 2 credits the freestyle, but not make submissions for each category. If you submit two, the second one will be disqualified unless you'd like to ask me to change your submission before the last date of entry.

 

-This is going to be a monthly thing. At the start of the month, excepting the first contest, a theme will be selected, as well as a condition for constrained writing, and applications will be open up until the end of the month. Times are considered in terms of server time; so if you're a bit over in your time zone, but it's okay in server time, it's great, and if you're well under in your own time zone, but it's past in server time, you're disqualified. Sorry, have to keep the rules uniform.

 

-For now, I will be the sole judge. The criteria for excellence will be based on whether your core idea is beautiful, on how well you write, and on the wit and elegance of your submission. A funny satirical essay might be chosen, but my own tastes run more to the melancholy than the uproarious.

 

===

 

August 2015 Contest: Entries are allowed immediately as of this posting, and will be accepted up to, but not on, September 1st, 2015. The rules for August's constrained writing is that your essay may not exceed 1000 words, put into a word-count software, and you may not use the letter E in any part of your constrained writing submission.

 

The chosen theme is:

 

"The beautiful young girl lies on a grassy knoll daydreaming about her future price [sic] charming.

 

-Opening line of a review of the movie

The Bordertown in the Beijing Review, July 29th, 1985"

 

From the essay "The Door Swings Both Ways", collected in Pico Iyer's "Video Night in Kathmandu: And Other Reports From The Not-So-Far East"

Edited July 19, 2015 by Inst

[Stannis Baratheon]

Entry:

 

BIRTHDAY

By Heinrich Kaufmann

do doo lalala hahahaha yay jooba jooba 

Edited July 19, 2015 by Heinrich Kaufmann

[Lu Xun]

Also, one other note; if the theme seems ambiguous, that's intentional, and I expect you to interpret the theme / motif freely. It still has to be related to the underlying theme, of course; if your essay is all of a sudden about unicorns and rainbows with no apparent connection to the theme (and the theme is the full quote, but not the sourcing of the quote), you will be disqualified.

[Saruman]

Is this a homework assignment? 

[Lu Xun]

For you? Maybe. People complain about shitposting (including mine), so if you really care about increasing the standard of discourse, you run contests like this so if people shitpost, it's at least well-written.

[Isolatar]

tbh, I would have actually done this but not being able to use the letter "e"? Yeah... no.

[Stannis Baratheon]

Inst I didn't use "e"

[Lu Xun]

Isolatar, if you really want to do this, write freestyle with no length constraint and be eligible for 2 credits. At the present rate it looks like I might end up giving people stuff simply for competing (within the constraints of the rules), because I don't want to start issuing no prizes because people's essays suck / are mediocre, although later on I might try that.

[Dwemyrn]

Make a TL;DR and I can consider making an essay. 

[Stannis Baratheon]

Isolatar, if you really want to do this, write freestyle with no length constraint and be eligible for 2 credits. At the present rate it looks like I might end up giving people stuff simply for competing (within the constraints of the rules), because I don't want to start issuing no prizes because people's essays suck / are mediocre, although later on I might try that.

Mine was good. 

[Stannis Baratheon]

Something quick I pulled together with probable incorrect or skewed facts.

It's about The Punic Wars

This is !@#$in stupid

 

btw Inst change my submission !@#$

 

Freestyle:

 

THE PUNIC WARS

 

The Punic Wars were a series of three bloody and violent wars involving the Phoenician trading port of Carthage and the mighty Republic of Rome fighting for control of the Western Mediterranean. The three wars started in 264 B.C. and ended in 146 B.C. The Punic Wars involved the Carthaginian General, Hannibal Barca crossing the Alps and ravaging through Italy, and a three year siege of Carthage. At the time this story begins, the Romans had controlled all of Italy and Carthage had controlled modern-day Tunisia, some of Spain, and a few islands near Spain and Italy. It is this handful of islands that got EVERYBODY into trouble.

 

The First Punic War started in the island of Sicily when a group of Italian mercenaries were invited into the city of Messana and then later decided to capture it. They then became pirates and raiders. When one of the colonies in Sicily finally tried to stop them, they looked to Carthage seeking help. Carthage did as the Italian mercenaries told them to. They threw out the invaders; but shortly after, the Italian mercenaries didn’t want to follow the Carthaginian laws so they asked the Romans to free their city from the hands of the Carthaginians who had just helped them. This quickly turned into the First Punic War that lasted about 23 years from 264 B.C. to 241 B.C. and had over 1 million soldiers involved in it. Rome won the First Punic War and they made a treaty with Carthage. Both sides suffered in the fighting. 1/5 of Rome’s male population died in fighting and Carthage went almost broke. This defeat left an angry Carthaginian General by the name of Hannibal Barca, waiting for revenge.

 

The Second Punic War started in 218 B.C. when there was another land dispute, this time in Spain that started a massacre of Romans. The commander of the Carthaginian armies, Hannibal Barca, was expanding the Carthaginian territories in Spain and the Romans had said the Carthaginian territories had to stop at one of the rivers dividing Spain and France. Not knowing where the river was because there were several, Hannibal took the town of Saguntum, which was loyal to Rome. The Romans sent no troops because they recently had a conflict in Greece and all their armies were there. When Hannibal took Saguntum, he started marching toward the Alps. He was going to do the unthinkable. Hannibal and his army crossed the Alps into Italy and went ravaging through it winning every battle he fought. When Hannibal’s generals urged him to invade Rome, Hannibal refused because he didn’t have the sufficient troops and then returned to Carthage. The Romans, who were angry, sent an invasion force to Carthage and defeated Hannibal at the battle of Zama. Hannibal commits suicide to avoid being captured and his army is destroyed. The Second Punic War ends in 201 B.C. A young son of a Roman General mourns and has a burning hatred for Carthage. He wishes to destroy them once and for all.

 

The Third Punic War was really just a siege of Carthage. It was a three year siege starting in 149 B.C. and ending in 146 B.C. The Roman army force was led by the general Scipio Aemillianus. The opposition was led by Hasdrubal the Boetharch with 100,000 Carthaginian soldiers defending the city. 90,000 Carthaginian soldiers were slaughtered in the siege and 20,000 Roman soldiers were slaughtered. It ended with a decisive victory for Rome gaining control over the Western Mediterranean. The civilians of Carthage were sold into slavery and the city was burned to the ground.

 

 The Punic Wars is an example of how a small group of people can make a major change in history.

 

!@#$ THIS PIECE OF SHIT ESSAY

Edited July 19, 2015 by Heinrich Kaufmann

[Lan]

Entry:

 

BIRTHDAY

By Heinrich Kaufmann

do doo lalala hahahaha yay jooba jooba 

I vote for this one^

[Thalmor]

I like this, I'll participate.

 

Question: Can this be done in notepad?

Edited July 19, 2015 by Thalmor

[Lu Xun]

As long as it's grammatical, shows proper formatting, is in English (forgot to put out that rule; for instance, you could previously win the constrained essay contest by writing an essay in Arabic as Arabic uses a non-Latin script without an e), and adequately addresses the theme.

 

Seriously, at this rate, if you fulfill the conditions above, you'll get your earnings for... nothing! There seems to be no interest in submissions so it's likely you can win a null-contest with no other submissions.

[saeton]

The chosen theme is:

 

"The beautiful young girl lies on a grassy knoll daydreaming about her future price [sic] charming.

 

-Opening line of a review of the movie

The Bordertown in the Beijing Review, July 29th, 1985"

 

From the essay "The Door Swings Both Ways", collected in Pico Iyer's "Video Night in Kathmandu: And Other Reports From The Not-So-Far East"

 

Is this one entire theme? 

 

Like, that line is from the review of the movie, written about in that essay? 

[Shylock]

A bird's bawl shot through to my thoughts.

 

 

 

Thoughts of a man.

 

 

 

A man I saw as my soul companion.

 

 

 

I am not firm on my opinion of this man's soul but his outward looks wring lust from my frail mind. My mind runs in ovals as it thinks of him. Brown tint tops his soul's windows bring out an unknown lust for him. Our lust... I carry my thoughts away from such basic and primal things. I had a lot of work I had to do, I could not think of a good-looking boy. I had to find what I would show to critics of my art. His body would not last, it would contain abstract nothings and burst into billions of shards. That would my good-looking czar that I would show to my critics.

 

 

 

As critics scour my art for flaws that it must contain, I sit and think of what I wish to show. Him.

 

 

 

Clapping. An out pour of congratulations. "I am so proud of you!"

 

 

 

A bad aroma fills my mouth and I start to cry. 

 

 

 

My passion, a boy, has lost.

 

Edited July 27, 2015 by Shylock

[Lu Xun]

Actually, I just reread Shylock's essay and it's actually both relevant, within the constraints of the constrained format, coherent, and attractive. 7/10, great job, enjoy your 4 creds when your entry goes unchallenged in both categories(and for an unchallenged entry it's pretty good.)

 

@ Saeton: it's an ornament to the essay, intended to capture part of its flavor. FYI, there are essay contests and essay assignments out there with extremely unconstrained requirements; i.e, I was told that a bunch of schoolboys at Cambridge or some other high-end English university, or perhaps college, almost broke down and cried when they were assigned a book, then simply told to write something related to and intelligent about the topic.

Edited July 31, 2015 by Inst

[Kyubnyan]

entry for both contests:

If Youth, throughout all history, had had a champion to stand up for it; to show a doubting world that a child can think; and, possibly, do it practically, you wouldn't constantly run across folks today who claim that "a child don't know anything." A child's brain starts functioning at birth; and has, amongst its many infant convolutions, thousands of dormant atoms, into which God has put a mystic possibility for noticing an adult's act, and figuring out its purport.

Up to about its primary school days a child thinks, naturally, only of play. But many a form of play contains disciplinary factor. "You can't do this," or "that puts out out," shows a child that it must think, practically, or fail. Now, if, throughout childhood, a brain has no opposition, it is plain that it will attain a position of "status quo," as with our ordinary animals. Man knows not why a cow, dog, or lion was not born with a brain on a par with ours; why such animals cannot add, subtract, or obtain from books and schooling, that paramount position which Man Holds today.

But a human brain is not in that class. Constantly throbbing and pulsating, it rapidly forms opinions; attaining an ability of its own; a fact which is startlingly shown by an occasional child "prodigy" in music or school work. And as, with our dumb animals, a child's inability convincingly to impart its thoughts to us, should not class it as ignorant.

Upon this basis I am going to show you how a bunch of bright young folks did find a champion; a man with boys and girls of his own; a man of so dominating and happy individuality that Youth is drawn to him as is a fly to a sugar bowl. It is a story about a small town. It is not a gossipy yarn; nor is it a dry, monotonous account, full of such customary "fill-ins" as "romantic moonlight casting murky shadows down a long, winding country road." Nor will it say anything about tinklings lulling distant folds; robins carolling at twilight, nor any "warm glow of lamplight" from a cabin window. No. It is an account of up-and-doing activity; a vivid portrayal of Youth as it is today; and a practical discarding of that worn-out notion that "a child don't know anything."

Now, any author, from history's dawn, always had that most important aid to writing:—an ability to call upon any word in his dictionary in building up his story. That is, our strict laws as to word construction did not block his path. But in my story that mighty obstructionwill constantly stand in my path; for many an important, common word I cannot adopt, owing to its orthography.

I shall act as a sort of historian for this small town; associating with its inhabitants, and striving to acquaint you with its youths, in such a way that you can look, knowingly, upon any child, rich or poor; forward or "backward;" your won, or John Smith's, in your community. You will find many young minds aspiring to know how, and WHY such a thing is so. And if a child shows curiosity in that way, how ridiculous it is for to snap out:—

"Oh! Don't ask about things too old for you!"

Such a jolt to a young child's mind, craving instruction, is apt so to dull its avidity, as to hold it back in its school work. Try to look upon a child as a small, soft young body and a rapidly growing, constantly inquiring brain. It must grow to maturity slowly. Forcing a child through school by constant night study during hours in which it should run and play, can bring on insomnia; handicapping both brain and body.

Edited July 31, 2015 by Kyubey

[martiy]

I actually really like this idea, but seems like im too late since the creds got sent out

[Kyubnyan]

I actually really like this idea, but seems like im too late since the creds got sent out

they shouldn't have been sent out yet, and if they have then I demand restitution.

[Kyubnyan]

NVM

Edited August 1, 2015 by Kyubey

[Lu Xun]

Entries are still accepted until August 31st, you know; since competition is a bit slow I might decide to end the contest early (August 31st) and make a selection then, so that the winner can get their credits for August, instead of September.

 

To make this a bit more fun, how about submissions and votes for new essay themes for September-October?

 

Here's the proposed theme for September, however:

 

"It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: 'And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride!-- how consoling in the depths of affliction! 'And this, too, shall pass away." And yet let us hope it is not quite true."-- Abraham Lincoln, Address to the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society, Milwaukee, September 30, 1859, in Abraham Lincoln: Speeches and Writings, 1859-1865 (Library of America, 1985) vol. II, p. 101.

 

via Graham & Buffett's The Intelligent Investor. If I get no decent submissions by September 1st, this'll likely be the theme for next month. Constrained format this time will simply be 500 words, including conjunctions, pronouns, and so on. Also, next month I will definitely end the contest before September 30th, so I can put the credits in your pocket before the next month.

[Ekejen Luish]

Can the essay be an assignment where we don't have to guess at what you want? Like can't you just say, "Write an essay explaining what Abraham Lincoln means with this quote: (Quote above) or something?

[seabasstion]

i like creative writing. my mind happened to jump right to this so i went with it.

 

 

Howin Wang sat on soft but crispy hill contiguous to two unfamiliar sight with a look of panic and worry.

 

“Laptop is what is call?â€

 

A man with an aloof disposition sighs  - “Draft words.  Now. Quick.â€

 

Howin struck laptop sporadically.

"

My Charming Man

 

Only hours apart, a lot of joy for I to look at us! My family many happy for I. Many hot at Guandong. No hot in USA? Pray no hot for I. To long with hot. Much to long. I am happy to almost flying to you!  Look at airport now! So Big! Can’t wait to hold you for first day. Look forward to so much!

 

“

 

 

With a skim, Howin’s guardian says “Ask for dollarsâ€

 

Howin sat for a bit thinking. Agitation was building in him.

 

Said anxiously, "I'll do it!"

 

“

My Charming Man

 

Only hours apart, a lot of joy for I to look at us! My family many happy for I. Many hot at Guandong. No hot in USA? Pray no hot for I. To long with hot. Much to long. I am happy to almost flying to you!  Look at airport now! So Big! Can’t wait to hold you for first day. Look forward to so much!

 

Wish small thing though. Admission to USA is much dollar. Additional Paypal mandatory. $2000 for customs.

“

 

 

Howin’s guardian forwards it to a particular man. A man you cannot call nor find. A cryptic man.

 

“$2000 all months†Guardian said to Howin. “Or your baby girl will auction alsoâ€

 

Howin thought about this unfamiliar groom awaiting. "Is groom just as bad"?

Edited August 19, 2015 by seabasstion

[Lu Xun]

I'm favoring Shylock, unless anyone else wants to put forth an entry, I'll push 4-5 creds (4 creds was $24 when this contest started, it's now ~5 creds for $25) to his account on Monday.

 

The reason I prefer his is that it's pretentious, but it's pretentious in a satirical way which is perhaps what the original text deserves. Everything else is too forthright and often lacking in craft.

 

Nice try everyone else, and thanks for participating. Let's do the Lincoln quote with a 500-word limit on constrained next time; it'll be for 6 creds with 3 creds per category.