Illingworth Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 does anybody have any good jokes. if so, please share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayayay Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Hereno leading an alliance 1 Quote Orbis Wars | CSI: UPN | B I G O O F | PW Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Run Your Own Goddamn Alliance | Occupy Wall Street | Sheepy Sings TheNG - My favorite part is when Steve suggests DEIC might have done something remotely successful, then gets massively shit on for proposing such a stupid idea. On 1/4/2016 at 6:37 PM, Sheepy said: This was !@#$ing gold. 10/10 possibly my favorite post on these forums yet. Sheepy said: I'm retarded, you win Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
George Costanza Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 (edited) Why was six afraid of seven? - Because seven eight nine. Edited August 28, 2014 by George Costanza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sailor Jerry Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 "A white horse jumped in the mud"...... Dirty enough for you? I could go on with "Dead Baby", "Helen Keller" or a few ethnic ones, but I'm sure I'd get the boot fairly quickly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayayay Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 (edited) <cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke <cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet <cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied <emoti_conartist> lol <cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy <cassius_clay13> so he %^#*ing KICKS one of the stall doors open <cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a $#!% <emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha <cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM <cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh %^#*... if i were taking a $#!* and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to !@#$ him up... so i'd better hit him first' <cassius_clay13> so he %^#*ing SMACKS this guy in the face <cassius_clay13> and runs away <cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER Edited August 28, 2014 by underlordgc 3 Quote Orbis Wars | CSI: UPN | B I G O O F | PW Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Run Your Own Goddamn Alliance | Occupy Wall Street | Sheepy Sings TheNG - My favorite part is when Steve suggests DEIC might have done something remotely successful, then gets massively shit on for proposing such a stupid idea. On 1/4/2016 at 6:37 PM, Sheepy said: This was !@#$ing gold. 10/10 possibly my favorite post on these forums yet. Sheepy said: I'm retarded, you win Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedArmy BushMan Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Personal favorite of mine. Delta Force had an opening for a new team member. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: an Air Force Pararescue, an Army Ranger, and a Marine Force Recon. For the final test, the Delta Force examiner took the Airman to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find a man tied to a chair. Kill him!!!" The Airman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot a helpless unarmed man." The examiner said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Return to your unit." The Ranger was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Ranger came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill a helpless stranger tied to a chair." The examiner said, "You don't have what it takes. Return to your platoon." Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill the man tied to the chair. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks," he said. "I had to untie him, and then beat him to death with the chair." 2 Quote Glory to the divine bush for he protects. When evil flies over head in his bombers, he will not see targets, only bushes. When his army of darkness comes to harm you, they shall get lost in the endless bush. The bush loves you, as you love the bush. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sailor Jerry Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 You do realize that there are only 1 0 kinds of people in the world, those that get it.....and those that don't!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hereno Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 (edited) OP following thread I think the answer is "no". Hereno leading an alliance You just can't get my name out of your mouth, can you? Do you know me from (That terrible game that is totally irrelevant and I shouldn't be bringing it up anyways) or did you just mistake me for Robster's sack? Edited August 28, 2014 by Hereno Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nimm Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 Two flies are on a pile of crap. One cuts a fart. The other says, "Hey! I'm trying to eat here!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayayay Posted August 29, 2014 Share Posted August 29, 2014 (edited) You just can't get my name out of your mouth, can you? Do you know me from (That terrible game that is totally irrelevant and I shouldn't be bringing it up anyways) or did you just mistake me for Robster's sack?You're just a great person to mention. The people that don't know you tend to not like you. The jokes just make themselves. (Also Lambadelta ragequit so I need a new person) Anyways, joke thread Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a !@#$ what you think." Edited August 29, 2014 by underlordgc 3 Quote Orbis Wars | CSI: UPN | B I G O O F | PW Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Run Your Own Goddamn Alliance | Occupy Wall Street | Sheepy Sings TheNG - My favorite part is when Steve suggests DEIC might have done something remotely successful, then gets massively shit on for proposing such a stupid idea. On 1/4/2016 at 6:37 PM, Sheepy said: This was !@#$ing gold. 10/10 possibly my favorite post on these forums yet. Sheepy said: I'm retarded, you win Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators Alex Posted August 31, 2014 Administrators Share Posted August 31, 2014 Personal favorite of mine to tell. This isn't my joke, of course, but I don't know who to credit for it. Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "!@#$ it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus." The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town. As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top. Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show." All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says.. "Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." Johnny replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No" "Are you the horse's tail?" "No" "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as !@#$. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown. As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever! The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad. INSULT SCHOOL Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor! 'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day. So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off.Then his day arrives... As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off m.f. hell bent on revenge. He give the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off. He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts... The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show." All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says.. "Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." Johnny replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No" "Are you the horse's tail?" "No" "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and says... - - - - - - - - "!@#$ YOU, CLOWN!" Quote Is there a bug? Report It | Not understanding game mechanics? Ask About It | Got a good idea? Suggest ItForums Rules | Game Link Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sailor Jerry Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) So here is a religious one........ Moses and Jesus were sitting on a beach this weekend when Moses stands up, shakes some sand out of robes, does a few stretches, picks up his staff and looks longingly out at the water. Jesus looks up and asks "Whats on your mind"? Moses, still looking at the water and answers, "I wonder if I still have it". He lifts his staff in his right hand, spreads his arms high and wide, tilts his head back and closes his eyes. After a few long moments, the water starts to rumble and churn and then starts to rise and part leaving a clear dry path out for about a mile. After a little more time passes, he starts to tremble, the water slowly starts to return to normal then finally he drops his arms and just as quickly, the water falls back to normal as if nothing ever happened. He slowly returns back to his blanket and slumps back down wiping the cold sweat from his brow. "Man.....that wasn't as easy as it was when I was younger.....but, I still got it"! Jesus looks back and forth from Moses back to the water times and pipes up, "I wonder if I still got it". He gets up, shakes the sand out his robes, briskly rubs his hands together and walks to the edge of the water. With a long slow diliberate breath, he starts to walk forward. He walks slowly out on the surface of the water about 50 yards, pauses, turns, looks at Moses and starts to smile. Just as he takes his first step back, he falls beneath the surface with a huge splash! A few minutes later, Jesus comes walking up the beach looking like a drowned rat, fish falling out of his robes and water spilling out of his pockets. Moses falls over backwards laughing and holding his sides. Jesus, after reaching his blanket, picks up his towel and starts dring himself off. Shock, still on his, says out aloud, but more to himself, "I don't get it, he's just a prophet and he still has his juice.....me, I'm the son of God......what happen to my juice"? After regaining some composure and wiping a tear from his face, Moses says in a half laughing voice, "Really......you have to ask that question? Dude, maybe it has something to do with the holes in your feet......just sayin'" Edited October 7, 2014 by Coach Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxxikation Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 God said unto John, "Come forth and receive everlasting life."John came fifth and received a toaster. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redrum Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Answer: NONE BECAUSE WOOD CHUCKS CANT CHUCK WOOD!! HAHHAHA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bilal the Great Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 A gorilla walks into a bar and order a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware he is actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, the man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is in shambles. Quote King Bilal the Great Mediocre The Average monarch of Billonesia Wikia page (if you're into roleplay things). We Tvtropes now. (down the rabbit hole!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hereno Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 (edited) A blonde walks into a department store and tries to buy a TV. The worker says "I'm sorry, ma'am, but we don't sell to blondes." She gets pissed off, leaves, dyes her hair black, comes back, and then asks to buy the TV again. The worker says "Ma'am, I already told you once before. We do not sell to blondes." Confused, she inquires "What? I dyed my hair. How did you know it was me?" "Well, first of all, that's not a TV. It's a microwave." Edited October 21, 2014 by Hereno Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayayay Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 (edited) A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. I'll give you $50." The blonde agreed and the man told her that the paint and ladders that she needed were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had some paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." Edited October 21, 2014 by underlordgc Quote Orbis Wars | CSI: UPN | B I G O O F | PW Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Run Your Own Goddamn Alliance | Occupy Wall Street | Sheepy Sings TheNG - My favorite part is when Steve suggests DEIC might have done something remotely successful, then gets massively shit on for proposing such a stupid idea. On 1/4/2016 at 6:37 PM, Sheepy said: This was !@#$ing gold. 10/10 possibly my favorite post on these forums yet. Sheepy said: I'm retarded, you win Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solo Man Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 While we're on the subject of blondes... What's the best way to drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxxikation Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 A guy's jumping on top of a manhole cover shouting: 29! 29! 29!A blonde woman walks up, confused, and asks, "Excuse me, sir, why are you jumping on that manhole cover and shouting 29?"He smirks, "Are you kiddin' me? You tellin' me you ain't ever played manhole 29? C'mere! You gotta' try this!" She giggles at his accent, thinking to herself, "Jeeze this guy is dumb." Out loud she replies, "Okay!" as she skips over to him. She begins to jump. "29! 29! 29! Wow, mister, this really is fun!" "Oh, darlin', you ought'a try it without the cover! It's just like this but ten times more funner." He replies, jovially. "Okay!" she eagerly agrees. The man removes the manhole cover and tells her, "Alright honey, go ahead and jump!" She jumps, falls in, and multiple screams are heard as she hits the bottom. The man slides the cover back on and begins jumping."30! 30! 30!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxxikation Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Jane's walking through the forest and gets attacked by a snake. Tarzan swings in and rips the snake in half. "Oh my!" Jane exclaims "You're my hero. I must repay you by taking your virginity!" Tarzan looks flummoxed. "Jane, I have sex all the time." "How can that be, Tarzan, you're out here in the jungle!" "Jane, there's this tree with a hole in the trunk that's the perfect size." "Oh Tarzan, that's not real sex! I'll show you real sex. Come take me, Tarzan!" She exclaims as she hikes up her dress. Tarzan looks at her, walks over confidently, and kicks her right in the crotch. Jane rolls on the ground in pain, asking between tears, "Tarzan! Why did you do that?" "Jane, I have to check for squirrels first." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkworld Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 A famous inspirational speaker said: "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife" Audience was in shock and silence.. He added: "she was my mother" A big round of applause & laughter! Back at home, one of the listeners decided to repeat the joke. After a dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen: "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife".......... standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of the joke.... By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed,recovering from burns of boiling water! 😈😈😈 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inquisitor Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 2 guys walk into a bar. You think the second one would've seen it coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grendle‌‌ Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 here's a funny joke. Politics and war. Now I shall ban you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stanislaw Sikorski Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 here's a funny joke. Politics and war. Now I shall ban you I've got a better one. Polska appearing on the world map. Quote Bóg, Honor, Ojczyzna! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RexPatricius Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, 
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a 
woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had 
bought her a beer. “I’m running for mayor,†he told her, “and I want your vote. “You got it,†she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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