Monsters in the Dark.

[Jodo]

[[so, I had a different post ready and then managed to miss click and lose everything, so heres a slightly retooled version that I had saved from a previous RP I wrote years ago.]]     

 

     There once existed a nation bred for war. A nation of murderers, spy's, warriors, and religious fanatics. Having been long since destroyed, it lived on only as a story to scare children. "You had better behave or chaos will return!" was a common saying among Orbis nations. Jodinia's land had been lost. Its once feared military having been shattered and thrown to the wind. Its people vanished from the face of the earth, presumed to be dead. Shattered cities and abandoned military bases scattered the region. Relics of an age long past, an age of war and murder. Some had been converted to historical monuments. A warning to future generations to remember the mistakes of the past. Scavengers sometimes looted newly discovered areas, looking for relics to be sold onto the black markets, or to be placed into museums. This was naturally frowned upon by many nations, but it was inevitable to stop. 

 

"You had better behave, or chaos will return..." 

 

One group of looters had discovered a fresh area, untouched by time. Deep in the wastelands, an Jodinian military base neatly rested between two large outcroppings of rock. The trees overhead provided cover from the sun and passing satellites, explaining its unknown presence. The find was a rare one, and had only happened due to sheer chance. The group of looters had gotten lost returning from a site farther north. They would have missed it entirely if not for the bladder of one of the members. The worn gate of the former base seemed to welcome them, enticing them to enter. Several of the group did, while the others remained with the vehicle. They chatted amongst themselves for some time before they noticed the first group hadn't returned. By then, the sun had begun to go down, and the cold night began to creep into the sky. "Set up camp." One ordered. "We'll go in and search in the morning. Might be a booby trap got them, or they are lost."

 

More hours passed, and the group grew quiet. Being so close to a Jodinian ruin unnerved them, especially at night... though none would admit it. Jodinian stories were told to children, but they were grown men and women. A fire was started to keep them warm, and food cooked. The crackling of the fire and wind in the trees overhead was the only thing heard for a time. The trees swayed, and the wind seemed to whisper. "Feels like we're being watched. Maybe this place is haunted..." they said in hushed tones to one another. One by one they slowly drifted off to sleep, their dreams filled with nightmares. Hellish visions of blood and screams. One of the looters stayed away, on guard. She was young and attractive by most mens standards. She held a rifle in her small hands, back to the embers of the fire. Most would assume she was a standard looter, but they eyes gave away the truth. A former professional. Perhaps a deserter of some military service, or a mercenary. 

 

Snap.

 

She turned to the sound in the darkness, eyes searching for movement. The slight glare of the fire limited her night vision, and she stood still for several minutes scanning. '...animal of some sort?' she thought to herself. Whatever it was, it had stopped moving. She slowly approached where she thought the sound had come from, gradually entering the darkness of the night. She stepped lightly, rolling her feet as she had been taught. She concentrated on the sounds of the night as she continued, stopping every few steps to listen if anyone was shadowing her. Something in the back of her mind told her that she was being watched. The hair on the back of her neck was standing up. Her heart raced as she remembered the stories her parents had told her. "Behave or chaos will come for you!" her mother had told her. Ghost stories meant to make sure she stayed in her room and did her homework. Something suddenly brushed against the back of her neck, and she whirled in a near panic. She saw nothing in the darkness, her heart pounding like a machine gun in her chest. 

 

SNAP!

 

She whirled again, barely catching the sight of a dark figure swinging something for her. It connected neatly to her temple, and she fell. As the darkness of the night consumed her, she faintly hear gunfire and screams. The laughter that followed was one of pure evil, and haunted her dreams. When she awoke, the laughter had stopped. The pain in her head dulled her senses as she rolled over and attempted to sit up, only to be roughly pressed back to the ground. A man stood over her, his boot crushing the air from her chest as he held her down. Vaguely she realized that several others were surrounding her, weapons pointed at her. The night air was still, as she slowly focused on her captor. He had the smile of a predator, watching its prey. With a growing sense of terror she began to realize what she was looking at. The man wore a uniform, a dark green or perhaps black, his weapon lazily pointed at her face. But her terror wasn't from her impending death, but that of a small flag on his sleeve. The man spoke as she began to hyperventilate, tears streaming down her face.

 

"I am Jodo, Commander of the Chaos Expeditionary Forces, Orbis. And you are now my guest."

 

She screamed.

[Ashland]

OOC: First well-written RP post on this forum.  Good job.

[Georgi Stomana]

Very interesting.

[Destroyer]

This is very interesting.

[Khestra]

Good start.  Needs an editor.

 

[Morgan]

Great read, Jodo! 

[Swami Mahatma]

Very interesting. It's a good read. :popcorn:

Edited December 3, 2014 by Swami Mahatma

[Jodo]

Thanks. And yes, I'm aware I need to edit and fix a few things. But I'm also lazy and by no means good.

 

I'll be continuing this story, developing the characters, and possibly open it up to interaction at some point. Suggestions and constructive criticism is welcome. This will likely stay a pretty dark rp.

[Alataq]

Good job! Very intriguing.

[Khestra]

Thanks. And yes, I'm aware I need to edit and fix a few things. But I'm also lazy and by no means good.

 

I'll be continuing this story, developing the characters, and possibly open it up to interaction at some point. Suggestions and constructive criticism is welcome. This will likely stay a pretty dark rp.

That's why you hire out to someone less lazy.

[Jodo]

Checks in the mail. Honest.

[Khestra]

Checks in the mail. Honest.

 

Check's*

[Jodo]

You're fired.

[Khestra]

You're fired.

 

 

[Ashland]

I changed my mind.  It's actually not that good.  Just passing decent.

[Jodo]

Fair enough. Heh.

[Ashland]

Fair enough. Heh.

Yeah.  It's not bad.  It just is.  Like Sunchips.  You still bring the average quality of the site up from Really Terrible to Pretty Terrible because the other postings on here have all been Excruciatingly Terrible, Really Terrible, Pretty Terrible, and Kinda Terrible.  But yours is Not Terrible.  So, in short, thank you for your mediocrity because your "Okay" is everyone else's "Good".

 

Given that you've planned on writing more installments, I could give you some pointers on boosting your writing from something that would get you into University of Texas-El Paso into maybe... University of Texas Arlington!

 

-For starters, make sure that when you're using the articles "a" and "an" they agree with the word that comes after them.  So "an" would not come before words that started with consonants.  

 

-Also maybe make your openings a bit less cliched.  People like to read things that are original.  Not spinoffs of the openings to... DC Comics.

 

-Learn that if something doesn't sound right, adding a random comma to it probably won't make it better.

 

-You can't "realize" something vaguely.  Don't use words if you don't know what they mean (I believe it was Fitzgerald who said that).

 

I apologize if this all seems a bit candid.  I'm just trying to use the same sort of blunt, vaguely condescending (correct usage of "vaguely) language that TEst members use on the forums all the time.

 

Your Closest Friend and Confidant,

Ashland

Edited December 5, 2014 by Ashland

[Grillick]

I dunno, Ash. The "J" in Jodinian could be a vowel in the same way the "h" in "historic" can be. Maybe it's just a rough breathing mark.

 

Perhaps it's better to look at a person's word usage as a clue how to pronounce a word you've never seen before, rather than to accuse the author of poor grammar.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Grillick

[Ashland]

I dunno, Ash. The "J" in Jodinian could be a vowel in the same way the "h" in "historic" can be. Maybe it's just a rough breathing mark.

 

Perhaps it's better to look at a person's word usage as a clue how to pronounce a word you've never seen before, rather than to accuse the author of poor grammar.

That's actually valid criticism.

 

Jodo, I rescind the part about the articles.

[Mikhail Gorbachev]

Yeah.  It's not bad.  It just is.  Like Sunchips.  You still bring the average quality of the site up from Really Terrible to Pretty Terrible because the other postings on here have all been Excruciatingly Terrible, Really Terrible, Pretty Terrible, and Kinda Terrible.  But yours is Not Terrible.  So, in short, thank you for your mediocrity because your "Okay" is everyone else's "Good".

 

 

Hey, I wrote a pretty good RP

 

 

 

I apologize if this all seems a bit candid.  I'm just trying to use the same sort of blunt, vaguely condescending (correct usage of "vaguely) language that TEst members use on the forums all the time.

I'm a little embarrassed that I laughed at this...

[Jodo]

Blunt I understand. Thank you for the suggestions.

[Adama]

I like it Jodo.

[Khestra]

 

 

I apologize if this all seems a bit candid.  I'm just trying to use the same sort of blunt, vaguely condescending (correct usage of "vaguely) language that TEst members use on the forums all the time.

 

Your Closest Friend and Confidant,

Ashland

 

"There is no such thing as a man willing to be honest - that would be like a blind man willing to see." - F Scott Fitzgerald

 

You will continuously fail in your quest if you neglect to casually mock him for his spelling.  You went to all that effort and completely missed "spy's", as well as all the misuses of "its", much less any of the egregious formatting errors.  You made it as far as pretentious, but vaguely condescending?  We have sandwich fixings that level more subtle contempt than that.

[Jodo]

I hope my terrible story, that was written for my own enjoyment, ends with you two killing each other. Or !@#$ing.

 

Fanfic incoming.

[saeton]

OOOO I hope there's a part about a cute little polar bear that Jodo met on the moon and turned it into a violent killing machine that can also use computers.