Sailor Jerry

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a Whale ?'s vagina.

Confucius say: Sex is like the navy, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

50% of all marriages end in divorce.......however, 100% of divorces start with marriage. 

I hope....with all my heart, that Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell never needs to really rely on the U.S. Military

I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down....we might.....if they screamed all the time....for no good reason! 

If you get invited to your first orgy. don't just show up nude.....that's a common mistake, you have to let Nudity happen!!!

Jack and Jill went up the hill,each with a buck and a quarter,Jill came down with two fifty....that !@#$ ing whore!

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

So Orbis.....would you rather have a 30 minute make out session with Rosie O'Donnell or a 30 minute make out session with a dead Angelina Jolie? 

So.....anyone kick a puppy today?

So.....you have a stalker then?