The thing is, music videos have been bad from the beginning, but recently they’ve only gotten worse. A lot worse. Like so bad that I, an illiterate and poorly educated American, felt the need to write an essay reviewing all of them so you don’t have to suffer the pain of watching them.
Got Money- Lil Wayne and T-Pain:
After watching this, your question of “ Would I like to see a bunch of millionaires with dreadlocks dancing around a vault with near-naked women?†will be answered with a solid “No, probably notâ€. This video, which consists entirely of the same IN-understandable lyrics in a loop, is probably one of the most viewed on YouTube, although I wouldn’t know, because I can’t read. Watching it is equivalent to looking into the dreams of Charlie Sheen while somebody sings random words into an auto tune program right next to your ears. It hurts the soul.
Tik Tok- Ke$ha:
Do you like everything that is wrong with society today? Then this video may be for you! In it, Ke$ha takes us through her life of alcohol, sex, and crazy partying. Her auto-tuned voice sounds beautiful as she takes through chorus after chorus of seemingly randomly selected name drops and drugs/drinks. The only upside of this video is that if you show it to your kids they will never want to drink, ever. The National Institute of Music officially declared that downloading this song from itunes counts as losing your virginity. I am scared for humankind.
Stupid hoe- Nicki Minaj:
This video, which has 3 times as many dislikes as likes, has set records for most views in a day, among others. Let me put it this way, those records weren’t set for brilliance and art. This video features Nicky Minaj dancing on a pole, rapping, and at one point letting out a 20 second moan for no apparent reason. Edited by a 7 year old, at one point her eyes get massively bigger than they really are and she has what appears to be a aneurysm, in an apparent attempt to fascinate people out of realizing how awful this is. (And just to make sure she angers all people, shes wearing a leopard costume, you know, for PETA). The only difference between this and porn is that a porn video has better music. This is a really truly awful video.
Party in the U.S.A- Miley Cyrus:
In this video Miley, famous for playing a fake popstar on a Disney show, dances around while singing about her life as a ‘lil country girl’ in a big mean city. In the video itself Miley walkes, hustles, and jigs around in a skirt short enough to be a dishcloth while people stare at her.
I’m not kidding, this video is composed 95% of people watching her horrifically awkward dance moves as she shows them off for 4 minutes straight. To make matters worse, she name drops random singers in this video, too. This, coupled with “Fridayâ€, are the songs they have on a loop at the DNV.
Friday -Rebecca Black: This song and the video that accompanies it had 100 million views before it was taken down. This is the most famous example that anyone will give you of autotune. Rebecca’s voice is high and nasally as she repeats the same lyrics about parties and fun over and over and over again. Then a black guy driving some weird SUV comes in, raps some odd lyrics about very illicit driving, and then fades into the obscurity of the pedophile world. Rebecca Black manages to have some of the worst lip syncing I’ve ever seen in this video while maintaining a perfect record of all of her scenes being of a bunch of teenagers sitting with or standing around her while she pretends to sing this soul-wrenching song. This made me cry.
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