General DeLuca SLAMS Foreign Tariffs

[General Giuseppe DeLuca]

--Cagliari Sun-Times Thursday Edition--

 

As the sun began to settle behind S&C Steel's flagship BOF furnace, "#33", the impressive piece of Cagliari engineering somehow looked even larger than it normally appeared. General Giuseppe DeLuca, our beloved leader, has called a press conference at the heart of the nation's steel industry. 

"I will not mince words with you, paisans. There are those in the world who are jealous of the freedoms I have fought for and secured for us. They fear the quality and quantity of Sardinian steel. That is why they promote myths and fables about our pollution. That is why their corporations grease the hands of their politicians, to help even the fight against us. That is how great their disadvantage is. To the media we have allowed to be here today... Are our skies black? Is the air hard to breathe? This should be the most polluted part of our nation, and yet I ask all of you, is it?"

The crowd nods and murmurs in agreement with our General. Of course we, as a publication and myself as a journalist, agree with our beloved ruler. It is a fact that most of Sardinia and Corsica is far above sea-level, explaining why the air can be difficult to breathe. And of course, the occasional smog has been proven to have been blown here from strong trade winds coming off the Mediterranean. 

"Some in this world," the general continues, "are not quite ready to accept us. To the insecure nations that have sought tariffs to stifle the trading of our steel... You will have to try harder. As you block us today, we sell to your enemies tomorrow. If your mills are so great, why protect them from honest competition? Everything we accomplish here is due to the hard-work and cunning of our people. Our resources, safety practices, and environmental policies are on par with others, our cost to produce is on par with others, so what sets us apart? Our people. Thus, I declare any ruler of any nation that refuses to buy from Sardinia & Corsica to be racist, and not worthy of the alliance that protects them."

Stirring words from our charming and benevolent General for life. DeLuca has once again nailed this issue, and has put the nation's critics on notice: If you don't buy our steel, you must be racist.