Chronicles of the time jumpers: Jesus Christ my boi

[Jamie]

Alright my humble fans I bet you're all wondering why no new story? By my fans I just mean pigoopi. Anyway my main editor spontaneously combusted and I haven't had any ideas recently but I still owe you a story so here. 

 

Now there's a lot of false propaganda rn about red pandas floating around. Most people just see us as cute. We are actually the most intellectual animal in the world. That's why I'm smarter than anyone in my alliance and orbis just ask anyone in it except the ones that say no. Now time for the story. 

 

Yes even tho I am amazing in every way I can still get mistaken as a simple animal. I was once a pet for Jesus Christ. I was in the barn waiting for those wise men.( aren't that wise if they can't follow a bloody map) Anyway I was waiting for them to have a business meeting and exchange some shekels. Now a huge misconception is that the hotel only had the barn left but that isn't true. See what really happened was that the hotel had recently got new carpets and Mary's water had just broke. Obviously he wanted to keep the new carpets clean so he sent them to the barn where I was waiting. They found me and thought I was a stupid barn animal. Now the wise men found this extremely funny and instead of giving me the gold, frankincense and myrrh. They gave it to Jesus, yeah it was a big prank and yes I still hold a grudge. As soon as Jesus was born Jesus grabbed be like some teddy bear or toy. Now you might be saying "WhY dIdN't YoU jUsT eScApE" it's Jesus he has a good grip and the power of God. After a while I started liking Jesus, not like that😳😳😳. But as a friend since well some of the things he did were pretty amazing. I mean you've heard of how he turned water into wine that one wedding but let's just say him not being 18 didn't stop him from getting alcohol. Now I can't say if he went to rehab or not but he did. 

 

A lot of people know what happened at the last supper and how he was put on a cross so let me just expand on that. I was actually there but the painter had a vendetta against red pandas since one ran away with his wife so I never made it on there. We actually had McDonald's cause Jesus did like big Macs. Now a lot of people don't like Judas because of how he betrayed Jesus but he did something way worse. When he was done with his meal he took some of my fries without asking. THE NERVE OF THIS MAN, HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK. Now in my eyes that is a literal war crime. 

 

Now the last thing about Jesus I'd like to clarify is he was thiccc with three C's. So when they put him on the cross everyone wanted a piece of that action. So me and some friends took action. We took him down because we didn't want anyone to do something while he was up there suffering. Pretty sure he got tired of watching rush hour all the time( was the only movie at the time) because when I came back to the cave where we brought him he was gone. Anyway I'd give Jesus about an 8/10. 

 

Now this last bit is serious, this story is dedicated to pigoopi, imma miss you man, have fun but not too much fun. Gonna be the only animal in E404 now, rip me

[Pigoopi]

Now This is epic. Why read the bible when u got this work of pure art

PS: will miss u too