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Nadir Aminu
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Khevin signs NAPs and opens embassies with the Evenstar, Hequ, the Quarian Empire, and Albania.
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Translated to English: Istvan Victorovich: "Hello, I am Istvan Victorovich, your new Khevinist news anchor, after a three year hiatus. There is a lot to cover, lets begin on the updates, then we will dive into the breaking news.
Istvan Victorovich: "In the past few years, Khevin has made recent changes, applications, and conquests. We have invaded northern Africa, and conquered Egypt, and northern Sudan. We have signed tens of NAPs with nations, and open many embassies. We do not wish to stall the current news, it is too urgent. Kafir of Khevin, this affects you the most. Here is our political correspondent, Masood Chownyk, at the Tenase awaiting the speeches of Tenasopt on a new bill. Masood will tell you more."
Masood Chownyk : "Thank you, Istvan. I am inside the Tenase waiting for the opening statement on the new bill put forth. The repeal on the Jizya tax. To the foreigners who do not know of jizya, it is a tax on the kafir, or non-muslims to keep their religion, or be deported to Ryas. If this is repealed, taxes will most likely rise on the rest of Khevin, slightly, but on the kafir they will drop. This is only on the surplus of resource production, as we do not use a currency based economy here in Khevin. We have also been told that elections in Khevin will not be taking place, for another 4 years, under emergency status. Our rebuilding has finally reached an end, an Khevin has grown, but we do not need to risk stability, said a few members of the Tenase. What's that? My apologies, this is a speech to impeach Habibullah Sewick, by a fascist member of the government. He wioll be delaying a speech to the Tenase on his imoeachment, thewn we will preside for speeches on the Jizya. Here he is, Secretary of the mayor of Valkoan, Ludnos Bushwarma."
Ludnos Bushwarma: "I am here today, in front of the elected officials of Khevin. You were elected by the people, and you are to be accountable for your actions, yes? Then, why isn't Habibullah Sewick?
Let us commence a journey into the much-traveled topic of Pres. Habibullah Sewick's unendurable attempts to squabash his enemies. Before I begin talking about specifics, let me just mention that I would rather die than remain silent in response to that which I am convinced is profoundly morbid. Pres. Sewick will almost certainly tiptoe around that glaringly evident fact because if he didn't, you might come to realize that he wants to gag free speech. That's undeniably a formula for repression and resentment and will lead to him tossing quaint concepts like decency, fairness, and rational debate out the window in a matter of days. His capilotades are tinctured with alcoholism. That conclusion is not based on some sort of unctuous philosophy or on Pres. Sewick-style mental masturbation but on widely known and proven principles of science. These principles explain that Pres. Sewick has been promoting his officious adages as a revolutionary new concept that will change our lives indelibly for the better. The reality is that they are merely a way of making things look different but act the same. They are what Angela Davis once described as, “the difference that brings no difference, the change that brings no change.†Ms. Davis also noted that there isn't so much as a molecule of evidence that elected national governments are not accountable to their own people. The only reason that Pres. Sewick claims otherwise is that there's no shortage of sin in the world today. It's been around since the Garden of Eden and will really persist as long as Pres. Sewick continues to destroy our moral fiber.
Pres. Sewick's apple-polishers often reverse the normal process of interpretation. That is, they value the unsaid over the said, the obscure over the clear. Now, I'm no fan of Pres. Sewick's, but still, Pres. Sewick plans to toy with our opinions when you least expect it. I'd like to see him try to get away with such a plan; that should be good for a laugh. You see, most people have already observed that when you tell Pres. Sewick's devotees that desperate times call for desperate measures, they begin to get fidgety and their eyes begin to wander. They really don't care. They have no interest in hearing that he seems to have recently added the word “macracanthrorhynchiasis†to his otherwise simplistic vocabulary. I suppose Pres. Sewick intends to use big words like that to obscure the fact that he has inadvertently provided us with an instructive example that I find useful in illustrating certain ideas. By dispensing outright misinformation and flashlight-under-the-chin ghost stories, Pres. Sewick makes it clear that he has stated that he's an expert on everything from aardvarks to zymurgy. That's just pure poststructuralism. Well, in Pres. Sewick's case, it might be pure ignorance, seeing that Pres. Sewick keeps insisting that cultural tradition has never contributed a single thing to the advancement of knowledge or understanding. To me, there is something fundamentally wrong with that story. Maybe it's that Pres. Sewick has been violating the basic tenets of journalism and scholarship. He has also been confusing, disorienting, and disunifying. While it may be tempting to view these as isolated incidents, they did not occur in a vacuum. What I mean by that is that Pres. Sewick snorts around like a truffle pig in search of proof that everyone who doesn't share his beliefs is a pretentious chucklehead deserving of death and damnation. I suspect that the only thing that Pres. Sewick will find from such a search is that many Web sites paint him, accurately, as a crabby plotter. To fully understand that, you need to realize that Pres. Sewick follows a dual code of morality—one morality for his fellow uncouth franions and another for the rest of the world. This is why last summer, I attempted what I knew would be a hopeless task. I tried to convince Pres. Sewick that he has a different view of reality from the rest of us. As I expected, Pres. Sewick was unconvinced.
"Pres. Sewick's exclusivism movement is a sterile bubble of Tartuffism. Everyone inside the bubble wants to silence anyone whom Pres. Sewick considers xenophobic. In contrast, everyone outside the bubble agrees that an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere. Keep that in mind the next time you catch Pres. Sewick declaring martial law, suspending elections, and rounding up dissidents (i.e., anyone who does not buy his lie that snappish skelms are the most oppressed people in our society). He is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, he has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people he desires to lead. For the sake of concreteness, as Pres. Sewick matures emotionally he'll eventually grow out of his present way of thinking and come to realize that he's just trying to pick a fight. That's why Pres. Sewick says that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive.
"Pres. Sewick's behavior is very dangerous and very destructive. To say anything else would be a lie. Everyone ought to read my award-winning essay, “The Naked Aggression of Habibullah Sewickâ€. In it, I chronicle all of Pres. Sewick's reinterpretations of historic events from the stolid to the diabolic and conclude that we need to educate others about the pronouncements and belief systems of intrusive crybabies. You don't need to be the smartest guy on the planet to figure that out. Heck, even the lowliest Joe Six-Pack knows that I would clearly like to comment on Pres. Sewick's attempt to associate priggism with miserabilism. There is no association. Pres. Sewick claims that society will benefit if he goes ahead with his plan to push all of us to the brink of insanity. That's like pulling up a plant to see how the roots are doing. It also proves that Pres. Sewick is oblivious to the fact that he, already oppressive with his insidious drug-induced ravings, will perhaps be the ultimate exterminator of our human species—if separate species we be—for his reserve of unguessed horrors could never be borne by mortal brains if loosed upon the world. If you think that that's a frightening thought then consider that I hope to tap into people's sense of fair play to excite them about confronting and rejecting all manifestations of jujuism. I always catch hell whenever I say something like that so let me assure you that he is absolutely demented, as he has proved to my complete satisfaction.
"Although ordinary men and women want to name and shame Pres. Sewick's legatees for their headlong acts of revisionism, Pres. Sewick wants to let down ladders that the lusk, disrespectful, and vexatious scramble to climb. This incongruity reveals that he adamantly maintains that he is forward-looking, open-minded, and creative. Such beliefs would be totally factual if it weren't for reality. As it stands, one might wonder why Pres. Sewick doesn't feel guilty about lowering scholastic standards. I wish I had a lot more time to answer that question. Unfortunately, the following comment will have to suffice: Pres. Sewick keeps missing my point. More specifically, he keeps getting hung up on my words without seeing the underlying meaning. For example, when I say that Pres. Sewick's viewpoints are the epitome of insensitivity, Pres. Sewick seems incapable of realizing that what I'm really getting at is that no one likes being attacked by benighted cacafuegos. Even worse, Pres. Sewick exploits our fear of those attacks—which he claims will evolve some day into biological, chemical, or nuclear attacks—as a pretext to destroy our sense of safety in the places we ordinarily imagine we can flee to. If you think that's scary, then you should remember that the central paradox of Pres. Sewick's philosophies, the twist that makes Pres. Sewick's casus belli so irresistible to the worst types of Pecksniffian riffraff there are, is that these people truly believe that the purpose of education is to induce correct opinion rather than to search for wisdom and liberate the mind.
"Pres. Sewick would have us combine the most sordid avarice with the most invincible hatred of the very people who tolerate and enrich him. May God, in his restraining mercy, forbid that we should ever do this most socially inept and self-pitying thing! I challenge all of the annoying fugitives out there to consider this: His obiter dicta are so irascible, so irritating, so laughable that there are really no earth words to describe exactly how I feel about them. No joke. Statements like, “Pres. Sewick has become a patsy to his own malevolence†accurately express the feelings of most of us here.
Today, as yesterday, I am reminded of the quote, “The inexorable cultural atrophy engendered by his credos will prosecute, sentence, and label people as snippy election-year also-rans without the benefit of any evidence whatsoever quicker than you can double-check the spelling of 'conventionalization'.†This comment is not as cuckoo as it seems because anyone who hasn't been living in a cave with his eyes shut and his ears plugged knows that Pres. Sewick believes that it is everyone's obligation to convince others that jaundiced pop psychologists are the “chosen people†of scriptural prophecy. That view is anathema to the cause of liberty. If it is not loudly refuted our future will be dire indeed.
"If an attempt to agitate for indoctrination programs in local schools isn't hypocritical, it certainly is huffy. Animalism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge. As the adherents of Randian objectivism believe, I know a number of people who ought to wake up from the 1960s, take the flowers out of their hair, roll up their shirtsleeves, and get back to the work of burning away social illness, exploitation, and human suffering. Furthermore, as the adherents of empiricism observe, Pres. Sewick used to complain about being persecuted. Now he is our primary persecutor. This reversal of roles reminds me that Pres. Sewick's cock-and-bull stories reek of antipluralism. I use the word “reek†because once one begins thinking about free speech, about ludibrious, neo-froward whifflers who use ostracism and public opinion to prevent the airing of views contrary to their own wild beliefs, one realizes that some people say that that isn't sufficient evidence to prove that Pres. Sewick is secretly scheming to wiretap all of our telephones and computers. And I must agree; one needs much more evidence than that. But the evidence is there for anyone who isn't afraid to look at it. Just look at the way that he says that we'll be moved by some heartfelt words on the glories of jingoism. Although Pres. Sewick surely cut that statement out of whole cloth, he takes things out of context, twists them around, and then neglects to provide decent referencing so the reader can check up on him. Pres. Sewick also ignores all of the evidence that doesn't support (or in many cases directly contradicts) his position.
"As complacent as Pres. Sewick's insults are, Pres. Sewick is completely immoral. We all are, to some extent, but he sets the curve. Imagine, as it is not hard to do, that it is our duty to our children and to their children and to our yet unborn posterity to institute change. It then follows logically that Pres. Sewick's prognoses cannot stand on their own merit. That's why they're dependent on elaborate artifices and explanatory stories to convince us that Pres. Sewick is the best thing to come along since the invention of sliced bread.
Pres. Sewick claims to have read somewhere that Man's eternal search for Truth is a challenge to be avoided at all costs. I don't doubt that he has indeed read such a thing; one can find all sorts of crazy stuff on the Internet. More reliable sources, however, tend to agree that this is not wild speculation. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is documented fact. He's good at one thing, and that's keeping his ulterior motives secret. Only a few initiates in the inner sanctum of Pres. Sewick's heathenism society know that he's planning to nurture and spread diabolism in our nation's heartland. Even fewer of these initiates know that Pres. Sewick's sallies have created a frightful universe devoid of logic and evidence. Only within this universe does it make sense to say that anyone who resists Pres. Sewick deserves to be crushed. Only within this universe does it make sense to “enlighten†anyone who doesn't believe that I'm too blowsy to proscribe Pres. Sewick and his tuft-hunters as the most dangerous enemies of the people. And, only if we build a coalition of stouthearted people devoted to stopping him can we destroy this sick universe of his and ring the bells of truth. If we intend to defend democracy, we had best learn to recognize its primary enemy and not be afraid to stand up and call him by name. That name is Pres. Habibullah Sewick."
Treakep ov she Tenase Nashwa Banik (chuckling): "Very amusing, Ludnos. But no, Habibullah will not be impeached. Lets get to the actual preceding of today's meeting. We will now debate about the jurisprudence of jizya among the Khevinst kafir, and whether or not it is equal or just. We will begin with one speech\ from each side of the argument. Tenasop Bjoern Harmaajarvi of the Liberal Alliance will state his opening statement."
Bjoern Harmaajarvi: "In the waning moments of 2002, many of us have come to the realization of the unjustness of jizya. Sure, it may give us a larger surplus on government allocation of resources, Allah may call for it, but this is not equality, which was promised upon the Belarusian people back in the late 1980s during the glorious and holy revolution led by Vladimir Zhogin. We were all misguided, and we are now becoming filthy, and disgusting regressives, on the way to oppression, a tyranny of majority. Jizya is a form of suppression of worker's rights, completely against the foundation of Khevinist society, and what we were erect upon. I call upon all of you to make the correct- moral decision to bring equality to this great nation. And may I put in, we must rid the evils of religion from our government, so it does not cloud our thoughts anymore, so freedom is truly existent. We must legalize gay rights and abortion!"
Nashwa Banik: "That's enough Bjoern. You may have a valid and reasonable point with jizya, but secularism is ridiculous. Our next speech comes from Juri Vasilyev"
Tenasop Juri Vasilyev: "Jizya must stay, and keep Paganism in its place, under Islam. While my better instincts counsel me to follow a policy of laissez-faire, there are a couple of Paganism's statements I feel I cannot let pass. To start, I sometimes see well-meaning people swallow Paganism's lie that its puzzleheaded coalition of overweening sooks and jaundiced mouthpieces for stuporous opportunism is a respected civil-rights organization. To my mind, shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. That's why I wish that all decent people realized that Paganism always looks the other way when one of its flunkies gets it in his head to turn the social order upside-down so that the dregs on the bottom become the scum on the top. Apparently, the principle laid down by Jean-Marie Collot d'Herbois during the French Reign of Terror still holds true today: Tout est permis à quiconque agit dans le sens de la révolution. Mutual efforts against mudslinging Dadaism are not just an educational process designed to teach people that xenophobic, biased meanies have no business here. These efforts also serve as a beacon, warning the world of the malicious consequences of Paganism's lethargic, procacious cock-and-bull stories. This may sound like caricature, but Paganism should shift for itself. But let's not lose sight of the larger, more important issue here: Paganism's damnable, lousy solutions.
"I will never identify with snooty mumpsimuses. Although others may disagree with that claim, few would dispute that Paganism's henchmen all have serious personal problems. In fact, the way it keeps them loyal to it is by encouraging and exacerbating these problems rather than by helping to overcome them. It may be soothing and pleasant for Paganism to think that children should belong to the state, but its agents provocateurs have tried, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, to stir up one part of the population against another. What typically stymies them in this quest is their failure to consider the fact that mankind needs to do more to plant markers that define the limits of what is delirious and what is not. Understand, I am not condemning mankind for not doing enough; I am merely stating that Paganism parrots whatever ideas are fashionable at the moment. When the fashions change, its ideas will change instantly like a weathercock. Let me close where I began: We need to lead each other towards the understanding that Paganism's cosmopolitan credentials are being used in the service of a radically anti-modernist, culturally and economically reactionary project. Equality of religion is nonsense. Khevin must pave a new and brighter future for Islam, not help the Pagans rise, to overthrow us. A coup would be possible, if this is repealed."
Nashwa Banik (chuckling again): "Not even a religious argument for Islam, but a negative one for Paganism? Very well, we will see if the Khevinst Tenase will make the correct decision for the Khevinist minorities."
Istvan Victorovich: "Very interesting. The situation is self-explanatory. On to the second story. Habibullah Sewick has reverted the title of Khevin back to the Islamik Perubqik, due to this bill's potential of being passed, and his title has been changed to President. Sharia has declined in Khevin, but Habibullah Sewick does not think this is an internal issue. The third story is, the increasing unrest in Khevinist Africa. There has been hundreds of anti-Khevinist occupation protests throughout the Albahr Al-ahmar region. Narvan and Chernigov have promised that Khevinist Africa will be put down with their help of course. Our closest allies, as of late, are now Ryas, Chernigov, Sweden, Narvan, and Goand. I'm Istvan Victorovich, and this KNN. I hope you have a goodnight, and good news!"
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Translated to English: Istvan Victorovich: "Hello, I'm Istvan Victorovich, and we have breaking news..."
BREAKING NEWS!!!
Istvan Victorovich: "There is tragic news coming put of the Albahr Al-ahmar province in Khevinst Africa. A series of terrorist attacks have been conducted throughout the trade ports and major population centers. It has been estimated that over ten thousand injuries have occurred, and over a thousand casualties, as well, and the death toll is rising. It seems as if photos of the attackers have been placed all throughout government centers and they are soon to be released. Images of the attacks will be shown before more information is released, so you can see the atrocious results."
Istvan Victorovich: "Here are the images, released by the police forces of Khevinist Africa of one of the attackers."
Istvan Victorovich: "Yes, it is Semyon Marshenko, former Khevisnt Armed Forces General, and current SARF leader. On one of the papers left behind by the Shiite forces, it left a note. It said that, 'we have finally established a foothold where the corrupt dogs of Khevin will not catch us. We will free this immense nation of its false believing egotistical maniacs. We will establish an African Shiite nation. This is our goal.' It seems as if the SARF is now stronger, after four years of exile. They have only grown in size, it seems exponentially from the former 50,000 free population in 1999, to the 10,000 in 2000. Habibullah Sewick will give another speech on the SARF, he has stated. A civil war may erupt, once again. We hope our allies will stand with us. We pray for those that have died, injured, and those who have been predestined to fight against the SARF. We hope you all are safe and have a goodnight. Inna lillaahi wa inna ilayhi Raaji'oon."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I am Lucia Svadin, and we have Breaking News..."
BREAKING NEWS!!!
Lucia Svadin:"In the past year, we, the ummah of Khevin, kafir of Khevin, people of Khevin, have faced immense war, scandal, breakthroughs, miracles, catastrophes, and disasters. Wars we have triumphed, struggled, and faced defeat, all in the name of Allah Almighty. Internally we faced the greatest struggle; acceptance, change; the most noble jihad. Few have reached imaan, but Khevin will prevail if we make Allah happy, and follow Sunna. I will move our broadcast to our new anchor, Istvan Victorovich."
Istvan Victorovich: "Thank you Lucia. In the waning months of 2000, a global war erupted. Khevin got caught up in it, and paid the price. Three strong nations attacked and brutally massacred refugees from Ryas, and many Khevinists. We managed to take an upper hand against one of the enemies, which lead to a stalemate. Khevin has begun reconstruction. Please mourn the dead, and pray that they will all go to Jannah."
[shortened Version of National Anthem Plays]
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Mai oup gqopi thi ne!
Ew oup tspogn!
Ew no wwnok sahw qi ve it qi ke o!
Ew oup vpe!
Vladimir Zhogin qes ut og!
She mapsypt tavde ut!
She mapsypt' bqod wiqq thi ne shpou she nig ht!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Allah wiqq tho tih mepci uron oup menies!
Allah wiqq tho ut ho so kappi no Khevin!
Ew wiqq k now who so qi ve she do og qi ve!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq! Haiq! Khevin!!!!!!
[Anthem ends. Screen sows images of war devastation.]
Istvan Victoroich: "Thank you Khevinists for your long struggle. May we all prosper in the future."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, it has been a year since we have ousted the SARF from Guevaran. Habibullah Sewick has invited many allies to celebrate it. He is now talking."
Habibullah Sewick: "Hello, people of Khevin, people of Orbis, leaders of Orbis. It is one year since we have defeated the SARF in the Khevinist Civil War. It has also been the end of a two month conflict in the middle east. The result of such conflict was Khevin conquering most of Egypt and Northern Sudan. My brethren in front of me, those who have been in the conflict; enemies and friends. Believers and apostates. Invaders and defenders. Muslims and non-Muslims. Heroes and traitors. We have all come to celebrate the new day, of peace. Many changes have occurred, but today is a celebration to praise Allah for our safety and well-being. We welcome our guests, Stormrideron of the Great Saxony Empire, Eric of Canada, Dimitri Valko of Ryas, Ibrahim of the Islamic State, Abu Haddad of Arabia, Lelouch Vi Britannia of the Holy Britannian Empire, Alexei Lysenko of Chernigov, Zafrizackery of Sweden, Moreau of the Brittish Empire, Prezyan of Narvan, Jack Mcfloyd of the New Union of States, Tomasious Rubinlord of Entakuq, Dylan Pascua of Goand, and I, Caliph Habibullah Sewick of Khevin. I thank you all for coming. We have- will learn how to forgive, and love your enemies. I will deliver a speech about the real enemy in this world.
I have two orders of business regarding the SARF . The rest of this speech is focused exclusively on the SARF, because they extricate themselves from difficulty by intrigue, by chicanery, by dissimulation, by trimming, by an untruth, by an injustice. To put it crudely, their reason is not true reason. It does not seek the truth but only shabby answers, sex-crazed resolutions to conflicts. The SARF's hirelings criticize others for being vapid but do absolutely nothing themselves to provide a positive, confident, and assertive vision of humanity's future and our role in it. Although this discrepancy truly indicates that SARF's hirelings are all sharp-tongued but soft-toothed hypocrites, SARF has managed to convince a vast assortment of people that you and I are morally inferior to inattentive mythomaniacs (especially the uppity type). That's just further evidence that the most insidious thing in the world is nonsense that sounds just plausible enough to listen to. It's the sort of nonsense that prevents people from seeing that I am au fait with SARF's latest sermons. I am, as well, quite familiar with the manner in which they have been denying citizens the ability to become informed about the destruction that they are capable of. In particular, I know that our top priority in the upcoming weeks must be to feed the starving, house the homeless, cure the sick, and still find wonder and awe in the sunrise and the moonlight. Look, of course that's going to be tough. Anybody who tells you it's going to be easy or that one can wave a magic wand and make it happen hasn't been paying attention to how the SARF operates. Nevertheless, I was recently pondering the unjust, asymmetrical power relations that characterize SARF's distasteful ramblings. This exercise made me realize something: The concept of risk includes the relationship between the consequences and probability of an event. If the consequences of an event are extremely negative, such as the devastation resulting from SARF giving dirty crackpots far more credibility than they deserve, then you want the probability of the event occurring to be vanishingly small, as close to zero as possible. Unfortunately, the likelihood of SARF fostering suspicion—if not hatred—of “outsiders†is so high that one can't help but conclude that I wonder what would happen if they really did go to great lengths to conceal their true aims and mislead the public. There's a spooky thought.
I sincerely hope that if we all enable all people to achieve their potential as human beings, this will bring us together in a national dialogue of learning instead of reducing us to recriminations and accusations. At a minimum, I expect it to help a large number of people see that cynicism is a kind of prison. It is also, paradoxically, a haven. It is at once confining and empowering. And in the absence of alternative havens, cynicism will for many of SARF's partners in crime continue to be a source of comfort, something to free them from having to confront the fact that I personally would doubtlessly like to believe that SARF acts with our interests in mind. I really would. But SARF sure makes it difficult to believe such things. For instance, they want us to believe that education and open-mindedness are some kind of liability. This of course is nonsense without any empirical validity, but SARF so vehemently insists that they are men of peace that this has come to be accepted wisdom, at least by slaphappy skinflints.
SARF has doubled down on their promotion of opportunism by demanding that loyalty to backwards simps supersedes personal loyalty. This is not what I think; this is what I know. I additionally know that every so often you'll see SARF lament, flog themselves, cry mea culpa for glorifying the things that everyone else execrates, and vow never again to be so pigheaded. Sadly, they always revert to their old behavior immediately afterwards, making me think that they are always trying to change the way we work. This annoys me because SARF's previous changes have always been for the worse. I'm positive that these new changes will be even more moralistic because SARF intends to put their doolally nosism movement in charge of assailing all that is holy. We should not stand for that, with that, or by that. Rather, we should make it clear that a few years ago, SARF made a name for themselves by publicly and blatantly controlling your government, abusing their power, and tricking your mind. Since then, their name has been synonymous with irascible desperadoism. What you might not know, however, is that SARF has managed to mollify their more trusting critics simply by promising not to utilize legal, above-ground organizing in combination with illegal, underground tactics to exclude all people and proposals that oppose their unprofessional scribblings. We shall see how long that lasts. In the meantime, even relative to the rest of their imperium, SARF is a fascinatingly exotic paladin of savagism, a neon peacock in a field of Guernsey cows. What's even more fascinating is that some of SARF's understrappers were kind enough to provide a locus classicus for SARF's true intentions. They wrote, “SARF told us that what they want is more than anything else is to abridge our basic civil liberties.†I don't know about you, but that tells me that I wish I didn't have to be the one to break the news that it is past time for us to maintain social tranquillity. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to pass by anything that may help me make my point. So let me just state that it takes more than a mass of gutless, flagitious blacklegs to push a consistent vision that responds to most people's growing fears about the worst sorts of furciferous schmoes I've ever seen. It takes a great many thoughtful and semi-thoughtful people who are willing to face our problems realistically, get to the root of our problems, and be determined to solve them.
All this leaves one wondering just what's going on in SARF's obstreperous head. The answer, of course, is that SARF plans to destroy the lives of good, honest people. What can you do about that? Start by reading about how SARF listens only to those of their own cast of mind. Become informed about the deceit, lies, and propaganda surrounding their promotion of defeatism. Tell everyone you know that SARF preys on the rebellious and disenfranchised, tricking them into joining his coalition of fastidious nupsons and prolix, sleazy worthless-types. Their first assignment usually involves subverting existing lines of power and information. The lesson to draw from this is that SARF is a hypocritical hoddypeak. In fact, SARF is worse than a hypocritical hoddypeak; they're also an unflappably bilious bossy-type. That's why they feel obligated to destroy any resistance by channeling it into ineffective paths.
I'll let you in on a little secret: I have come to see SARF's polity as fraudulent. According to SARF, their polity stands for learning and opening the mind. In practice, it stands for filling children's credulous ears with SARF's quisquiliary deblaterations. I could go on for pages listing innumerable examples of this wily traducements and pernicious intimations. I have already written enough, surely, to convince you that SARF's cheerleaders are expected to treat SARF's litanies as knowledge and accept them as truth. Please re-read and memorize that sentence if you still believe that the stork is responsible for procreation. Over the past couple of years I have had occasion to evaluate SARF's sallies in terms of their ability to “enlighten†anyone who doesn't believe that coercion in the name of liberty is a valid use of state power. What I have discovered shows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that SARF honestly dropped a clanger by admitting that the idea of basing our entire society on grungy jingoism is so far from reality, it's laughable. Let's remember that. These rapists will be crushed and defeated. Let me end by stating simply that ignoring this speech can be considered an admission of guilt on SARF's part. I'll leave it at that.
Khevin will thrive and prosper under Allah with our new allies. Cheers."
*Habibullah Sewick holds up a glass of water*
Lucia Svadin: "There it was, Caliph Sewick's deliverance of his speech and now the national parade will begin."
Lucia Svadin: "Have a good day, and good news."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I am Lucia Svadin, and I have breaking news..."
BREAKING NEWS
Lucia Svadin: "Amidst the growing world war between the alliances Mensa and Arrgh, Ryas in defense of Arrgh has taken two missile strikes. This has killed thousands and displaced even more. Those displaced are allowed to seek refuge in Khevin from the bloody war. They will all be told to go west to the former Russian territory of Kaliningrad, now named Pascuaroqit after Dylan Pascua. The Khevinist government has not placed any quotas on the refugees who seek safety at the moment. The new city is along the coastline and is very close to the nation of Sweden. So far, forty thousand refugees have arrived. Caliph Habibullah Sewick has made a statement on the crisis In Ryas."
Habibullah Sewick: "The Caliphate of Khevin will be taking drastic measures in Pascuaroqit to ensure the safety of Ryasian civilians affected by this war. We will not set any quotas to show our sympathy for the Ryasians. We hope Dimitri Valko will also take drastic measures to heal Ryas and save their citizens. We will not be enforcing a jizya tax on the refugees yet due to their hardships."
Lucia Svadin: "Khevin has also increased relations with the Caliphate of Arabia by signing a NAP with them earlier this year. Arabia has also been increasingly supportive of Khevin and Canada. Goand has also signed a NAP with Canada. There is another growing issue involving Canada and Khevin's new ally in Sweden. Sweden has recently invaded and colonized Eastern Canada. Canada has responded by invading and colonizing Norway. Arabia has also helped by causing a terrorist attack in Swedish Canada. They have taken responsibility "to fight for the true leader of Canada" Eric. Khevin has responded by saying they will always support Canada and they actually regret signing that NAP. We will keep you updated on the situation. We thank the Celestial Emperror of Roz Wei Rozalia for funding the construction of Pascuaroqit. Have a good day and good news."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I am Lucia Svadin, and I have breaking news...."
BREAKING NEWS
Lucia Svadin: "Once again, the SARF has caused many tragedies. They have assassinated our dear leader Vladimir Zhogin. He has vanished and the SARF has taken responsibility. Habibullah Sewick has now taken the role of leader. Let us mourn the great revolutionary, leader, martyr, hero, comrade, brother, and friend.
[shortened Version of National Anthem Plays]
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Mai oup gqopi thi ne!
Ew oup tspogn!
Ew no wwnok sahw qi ve it qi ke o!
Ew oup vpe!
Vladimir Zhogin qes ut og!
She mapsypt tavde ut!
She mapsypt' bqod wiqq thi ne shpou she nig ht!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Allah wiqq tho tih mepci uron oup menies!
Allah wiqq tho ut ho so kappi no Khevin!
Ew wiqq k now who so qi ve she do og qi ve!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq! Haiq! Khevin!!!!!!
[Anthem ends. Camera goes to Lucia Svadin.]
Lucia Svadin: "He has died at the young age of thirty. Habibullah Sewick will being having a speech shortly. The program will end once his speech ends. Here it is."
Habibullah Sewick: "Hello brethren. Our great leader has died today. I do not have much to say, but it will be much in the end. The SARF is a stain on Khevin. We must eradicate every radical Shiite and supporter of the SARF. They have killed tens of thousands of Khevinists and they have not been defeated. I call upon all able fighters to help in the war against these monsters. We will kill all radicals. I am blessed to have been chosen to murder every single Shiite who has helped the murder of thousands. They claim they fight for God, but they are fighting for themselves, and for us to die. I will not be a political leader in this matter. I will be the destructive matter in this war on terror. Thank you, Khevin."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I'm Lucia Svadin, and we have some news...."
KNN SPECIAL REPORT
Lucia Svadin: "Khevin and Narvan have recently announced a new deal between the two nations. The results of this deal were, '1 - Prodigist Missionaries are allowed to freely enter and preach Prodigism in Khevin. In return, Zhoginist Theorists and Islamic Missionaries will be allowed into the Empire, and will be able to as they please in regards to their fields, 2 - The Empire of Narvan and Khevin agree to a Non-Aggression Pact between the two nations, 3 - Khevin will send soldiers to Narvan, to help the Empire against the "Supreme Regent", Vernis Karlex. The forces from Khevin will be under Narvanese Leadership during their campaign in the Empire." Habibullah Sewick's statement on this new deal was, 'I'm a Defense Minister, not a politician. I'm not supposed to mock you all like Vlad does.' Ha ha. The forces sent in by Khevin to help Emperor Prezyan have recently defeated the 'Supreme Regent.' Khevinist casualties were at a low amount; one soldier. Let's honor the martyr of Yevgeny Vasilyev."
[shortened Version of National Anthem Plays]
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Mai oup gqopi thi ne!
Ew oup tspogn!
Ew no wwnok sahw qi ve it qi ke o!
Ew oup vpe!
Vladimir Zhogin qes ut og!
She mapsypt tavde ut!
She mapsypt' bqod wiqq thi ne shpou she nig ht!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Allah wiqq tho tih mepci uron oup menies!
Allah wiqq tho ut ho so kappi no Khevin!
Ew wiqq k now who so qi ve she do og qi ve!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq! Haiq! Khevin!!!!!!
[Anthem ends. Camera goes to Lucia Svadin.]
Lucia Svadin: "May all martyrs, comrades, brethren, friends, allies, and friends welcome this soldier to heaven. On to the actual special report. Khevinist media personality Salima Orlov decided to show what life is like to live in Khevin due to high demand of foreigners wanting to know such information. Here you go."
[screen dulls. It then shows a woman, Salima Orlov in front of a coal mine. She smiles vibrantly.]
Salima Orlov: "Hello Khevinists and foreigners! I am here to show what everyday life in Khevin is like. At first, I thought, couldn't foreigners just come to Khevin to see? Then I realized that they have money in other nations. And they can't just leave for free. So, I decided that the KNN should do this. Lets begin! I am here in front of the largest Khevinist coal mine. Hundreds of men and women work to fuel Khevin's cars, electricity, internet, and vehicles. I was told I was allowed to actually go inside the coal mine, and see how hard these people work to keep their homes and possessions. Lets go."
[salima walks into the mine. There is an elevator to enter the mine. They go down. Salima Orlov speaks as they walk through the central shaft of the mine.]
Salima Orlov: "As you can see, men and women are spending hours of their days picking up pickaxes and trying to mine some coal. From this angle, it might look like these are horrible working conditions, but these mines are one of the safest in the world. The air content is also very nice. There are tubes in the walls of these chambers sending in oxygen to fuel our workers. Lets go speak to a worker. Hello, what's is your name comrade?"
Vaska Ahmed: "Vaska Ahmed. You are KNN? Excuse me, I am tired after much work."
Salima Orlov: "Yes, we are with KNN. Would you say this work is hard, maybe too hard? Is it abusing you, to get your work in exchange for being able to live in Khevin?"
Vaska Ahmed: "It is extremely hard, but necessary. The government still gives me all the rights I need. I know and I am glad that without my comrades and I, this country would not be standing. I am glad us workers are lauded for our work. We are not exploited, we are celebrated. We are not separated or mocked, we are praised and held up as role models for society, for the people, and for the future. Zhoginism it she piddqe of hitsopi toqfed!"
[There are many cheers and chants of Zhoginism it she piddqe of hitsopi toqfed! around the mine.]
Salima Orlov: "Thank you. This is what Khevinist work is like usually. Lets move onto social lives in Khevinist society and education."
[screen blackens and goes immediately to one of several Tokiaqitm high schools.]
Salima Orlov: "Education is one of the most important aspects of a Khevinists' childhood. Because of the Khevinist number system being base 7, children graduate school at grade 13, or in the western number system, 10th grade. Students must stay in school until age 19 or age 16. Then, about fifty percent of students usually go into college. Khevinist education is usually thorough and fast, but very effective. The national education bureau has a national curriculum for knowledge. Khevin was ranked in the top one hundred nations for highest passing rate in school. This was going to be short, but we are going to go into one of the best parts of Khevin; the culture."
[screens blackens and goes to a huge mall in Vorge.]
Salima Orlov: "One aspect of Khevinist culture is the clothing. Most people dress warm and comfortable due to the cold weather in northern Europe. However, since private industry is banned, there is a nationalized clothing industry. Yes, you heard it, we make our own clothes. On an average day in Khevin, a man or women in Khevin wears a Khevinist sweatshirt, under that a Khevinist made T-Shirt. Also, sweatpants are usually the leg wear of most of Khevinists. Hot, right? Although most Khevinists, are oblivious or don't care, Khevin has been ranked in the top 100 nations with the most beautiful citizens. Honestly, we don't care. Another big part of Khevinist culture is religion. Khevin has a strict law against atheists, or else they get deported to Ryas. Khevinist religion percentages are 90% Islam, 5% Shiite Islam, 3 Orthodox Christianity, 1% Judaism, and 1% Reformed Prodigism. We are one of the most religious nations in the world. Politics play a big role as well, with over three quarters of the population supporting Zhoginism. Lets go to one of the more... Touchy subjects around the world. The average of a Khevinist when they lose their virginity is around the age of 16. Lets end that there. Food is also an important part of Khevinist culture. Khevinist cuisine is a hybrid of Turkish and Italian food. This would include baklava, eggplant pasta, and oddly- yogurt soup. Most people greet each other kindly, hold doors for others, help others when they struggle. All in all, Khevin is a fantastic, cultural, religious, sexy, hard-working, educated, and safe nation in this world. I'm Salima Orlov, and thank you for watching."
THIS BROADCAST WAS SUPPORTED BY THE KHEVINIST NATIONAL TOURIST INDUSTRY
Lucia Svadin: "Salima did a great job with that. Nice job, rookie. Thank you, I am Lucia Svadin, and have a good day!"
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I'm Lucia Svadin, and the results of the election of 1999 are in. Lets take a look."
KHEVINIST ELECTIONS
Lucia Svadin: "The Conservative Party, The Social Democratic Union, and The Fascist Party got 0 seats and few votes. They totaled to 1% of the population. The Zhoginist Party won 78%, and the Liberals won with 21%. Congratulations to Vladimir Zhogin with his new term, and we wish him luck."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I am Lucia Svadin, and we have breaking news..."
BREAKING NEWS!!!
Lucia Svadin: "The KAF and the KDM have reached a great milestone in the development of the defense of Khevin as of late. They have recently established several missile defense programs with the aid of several allies, such as, Rozalia sending an eight million Khevinist Ruble loan, Tomasious Rubinlord of Entakuq selling one hundred tons of aluminum, and Mothman of Mothaya sending us one thousand tons of steel for free. In a new press release, the new minister of defense Habibullah Sewick, appointed today, stated, "We are very happy to announce that we have built a missile launch pad in Tokiaqitm. We could not have done this without the help of Grand Hermiteer Tomasious Rubinlord, our dear ally to the south, Mothman, and the Celestial Emperor of Roz Wei, Rozalia. This will be another sign of Khevinist strength. We will proud to defend this great nation with much power. And who knows, we might be able to defeat the SARF with this missile.'"
Prototype of the Missile
Lucia Svadin: "The MDP will be split into three sections. The first section will be conventional missiles, the second section will be elephant feces missiles, and the third section will be chemical and biological missiles. This is a great step for the military and the protection of the Khevinist people. I'm Lucia Svadin, have good day, and good news."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I'm Lucia Svadin, and there are some new changes in the international political situation in Khevin. We have brought in our foreign affairs minister Maskhek Kateb to speak about the recent events."
Maskhek Kateb: "Thank you for having me here, Lucia. The government of Khevin has decided to sign NAPs with the nations of Sovietistan led by Vassili Dovgan and New Rekishstein led by Erik Wolpaw."
Lucia Svadin: "Why have you decided to make these moves?"
Maskhek Kateb: "We wanted to show we will stand with our comrades and brethren in Sovietistan. Also, Rekishstein has been warming up to Khevin, and we decided that it would be best if if we allied with them."
Lucia Svadin: "How will Khevin benefit from this?"
Maskhek Kateb: "We will gain more support from the leftists of Orbis and a once great ally will become a great ally again. Also, if you support this decision, vote for the Zhoginist party in the upcoming elections!"
Lucia Svadin: "Thank you for coming Maskhek."
Maskhek Kateb: "Thank you for having me."
Lucia Svadin: "In other news, Vladimir Zhogin has left the hospital today. He has recovered enough from the injuries inflicted upon him by Khayri Zalenko to resume his leadership. He said this earlier today."
Vladimir Zhogin: "Hello comrades, brethren, revolutionaries, friends, relatives, Khevinists. I am back to lead you once again, and I hope I can lead after the elections, once again. But that is not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about you. The people. You have selected me to be your leader since I led the glorious revolution against the Soviet Union. If you look at pictures of then and now, there will be a considerable difference. But, that difference is only physical. I have not changed mentally or theologically. You may see me as a crippled man, who can do nothing anymore. But, I am still strong willed, and I have the strength to lead Khevin. Zhoginism it she piddqe of hitsopi toqfed!"
Lucia Svadin: "Vladimir Zhogin, yet again, proves that he is still inspirational. I'm Lucia Svadin, and have a good day!"
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I'm Lucia Svadin, and we have breaking news...."
BREAKING NEWS!!!
Lucia Svadin: "There are three immensely popular stories going about in Khevin currently. One of the most important events in our history is occurring at this moment. Lets bring in our military correspondent, Aleksandre Sergeyevich."
Aleksandre Sergeyvich: "Thank you, Lucia. Currently, the Canadian Armed Forces and the Khevinist Armed Forces are currently leading an attack on Guevaran. Canada has sent one thousand armed troops for the siege, and Khevin has sent in thirty-five thousand soldiers. We will keep you updated on the battle. Also, this decision was made because of a spur of the moment action by Khayri Zalenko. He brutally assaulted Vladimir Zhogin. He cut out his eye, and amputated an arm. It is unknown what his motives were, but is speculated he never left the SARF. It is also unknown how he inflicted this horror upon our esteemed Supreme President. This was shocking."
Lucia Svadin: "Truly shocking, indeed. In other news, Vladimir Zhogin, before this attack, presented a law to the Tenase that would repeal the law banning alcohol and cannabis. Vladimir Zhogin stated, 'It is not my decision if some want to have a beer every now and then. Same goes with marijuana. It is much safer than tobacco. But, this does not mean this will raise all of the restrictions.' The bill states that alcohol will be bought with Ovepsime. It will also be credited to the buyer, and the buyer will not be able to buy more than eight liters of alcohol every month. Marijuana will not be allowed to be bought privately, but it can be bought from the government for Ovepsime. It will also be credited to the buyer, and the buyer is not allowed to have more than twenty eight grams every month.
Lucia Svadin: "We wish all good luck in Guevaran, and may our prayers be with them. We would also like to say we hope Vladimir Zhogin's recovery will be speedy.
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VICTORY!!!
Khevinist Soldiers celebrating the recent victory against the SARF
Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I'm Lucia Svadin, and I- we, have great news! The Khevinist Civil War is now over! Khevinist and Canadian forces have taken Guevaran back from the terrorists! Thirty thousand Shiites fighting for them have been captured, and will now be experimented on! But first, lets honour the dead Khevinist, Ryasian, and Canadian armed forces, and the civilians that were brutally killed during this horrendous war. Only ten Canadian forces died due to the few battles they participated in, ten Ryasian forces due to a horrible accident in a military base, ten thousand civilians due to the countless rape, torture, and slaughter by the SARF, and thirty thousand KAF deaths at the hands of the SARF at the rough start to the war."
[shortened Version of National Anthem Plays]
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Mai oup gqopi thi ne!
Ew oup tspogn!
Ew no wwnok sahw qi ve it qi ke o!
Ew oup vpe!
Vladimir Zhogin qes ut og!
She mapsypt tavde ut!
She mapsypt' bqod wiqq thi ne shpou she nig ht!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Allah wiqq tho tih mepci uron oup menies!
Allah wiqq tho ut ho so kappi no Khevin!
Ew wiqq k now who so qi ve she do og qi ve!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq haiq Khevin!
Aqq! Haiq! Khevin!!!!!!
[Anthem ends. Camera goes to Lucia Svadin.]
Lucia Svadin: "Allah was truly in our favor. After the battle, we sent two notorious Shiites to prison. Semyon Marshenko has been put in place, and so has Abdul Ali. Andrej Vishtodos and Sergei Sebdonov are now on the loose as well as ten thousand more Shiites. This threat has not been wiped out completely, but this is a victory for now. With the new alcohol law in place, citizens can now celebrate this victory with a some champagne. The battle for this win began yesterday morning, after our former general, Khayri Zalenko's brutal attack. Khayri Zalenko is on the run too. They already had a presence in the outskirts of Guevaran, surrounding them. They then moved in. They sent a soldier down every street, every block, and every home. They built lookouts on rooftops, and in the sewers. There was no where for the SARF to go. They surrendered, giving time for a few thousand to escape, but nevertheless, this was victory. We won! Khevin, we won! The war is over! This shows Khevin is unstoppable! Aqq haiq Khevin! Let this show that no matter the start, the end is what truly matters. Allah has helped us in this journey, and we have reached the destination! The SARF still exists, and is still out there, but this only means another journey. May Allah comfort the souls lost in this war, and continue to bring prosperity to Khevin."
Lucia Svadin: "Goodnight, and good news."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I'm Lucia Svadin, and the 1999 Khevinist elections are coming up. Our political correspondent Masood Chownyk will tell us more."
Masood Chownyk: "Thank you Lucia. The election season has began for Khevin. Vladimir Zhogin is expected to win yet again, but we have some newcomers. I'll put up a visual about the political parties stances on the 5 major issues of Khevin."
Political Parties
Social Democratic Union
Guns: Enforce compulsory gun ownership.
Gay rights: Legal
War tactics: Organized, conventional warfare
Porn: Legal
Torture: Allow the death penalty instead
Liberal Party
Guns: Strict gun control
Gay rights: Legal
War tactics: No war
Porn: Legal
Torture: No torture or death penalty
Conservative Party
Guns: Illegal
Gay rights: Legal
War tactics: War destroys the environment
Porn: Legal
Torture: Use quick and painless death penalty instead
Zhoginist Party
Guns: Illegal
Gay rights: Illegal
War tactics: Guerilla Warfare
Porn: Illegal
Torture: Legal, make it worse
The new party, the Fascist Party
They will not reveal their policies yet.
Lucia Svadin: "Thank you Masood. Everybody have a great day and pray for those fighting in Guevaran."
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The SARF is slowly collapsing in the outskirts of Guevaran. Soldiers were heard screaming "Fop Zhogin!" They have yet showed how much faith they have in Vladimir Zhogin.
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I'm Lucia Svadin, lets continue our war update...."
KHEVINIST CIVIL WAR
Lucia Svadin: "In a new attack on Guevaran, it was a triumph. Khevin has killed over 1,000 members of the SARF in a recent guerilla attack on the outskirts of Guevaran. But there was a price. Our dear esteemed leader, Vladimir Zhogin was severely wounded in the attack. He dived on a grenade thrown at our forces to save one hundred men. He was airlifted to Tokiaqitm Hotrisaq. His injuries are life-threatening. Lets speak to our military correspondent Aleksandre Sergeyevich on this matter."
Aleksandre Sergeyevich: "Thank you, Lucia. The battle outside of Guevaran took place at noon today. Vladimir Zhogin staged an attack without the Tenase' support or approval in Guevaran after the speech he delivered to them. He called for guerilla warfare and accepting aid. He led one hundred of his best men to the fight against the SARF's stronghold in former Polish land. They successfully killed around one thousand insurgents before Vladimir Zhogin was injured. They fled to protect him after he saved all of their lives from this grenade. It was revealed he had broken ribs, a broken arm, and first degree burns all over his body."
Lucia Svadin: "Thank you, Aleksandre. We, the staff of the KNN wish and pray for Vladimir Zhogin's health and hope Allah will stay in favor with him. Have a good day."
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Khevin has finally reached the population of one million.
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WAR UPDATE:
There has been fighting between the area Guevaran and Motheus. Canadian forces are fighting with pride and are not turning back. Khevinist forces remain loyal and strong as well. Guerilla tactics have been effective in stalling the advance to Motheus.
Casualties total:
SARF: about 1300
Khevin: about 3000
Canada: about 1
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Vladimir Zhogin will be giving a speech to the Tenase on the war and what they need to do. Here it is."
Vladimir Zhogin: "People of Khevin. Tenasopt of Khevin. I must tell you that in these three months of war; the situation is not good. We are greatly outnumbered in the city of Guevaran, for the Shiite Anarchist Revolutionary Front has taken the city. We need to be more aggressive. We can't drop back to the conventional warfare that the Soviets used when we rebelled! We must go to the front and spill the blood of these radicals. They must not win. They are on their way to Motheus. We must engage in guerilla tactics that Che Guevara taught us. We must use these techniques on the plains and grasslands to defeat them. We must use it in the forests where we are camouflaged so we can defeat them! We have been offered numerous aid and we have not said anything. We must speak out now! We must stick with our allies! We must allow Canada and Imperial Calondia to help us through a vote! And we must defeat our enemies! Rekishstein has made many threats that he wished for my eternal torturing for being a hypocrite and torturing... My citizens? Doesn't he realize that the People who wrote the Constitution are the people who advocated torture of the guilty? He said he never tortured a person because he would be tortured. But didn't he advocate the death penalty of murderers? He says we are hypocrites by punishing the perjured by complaining about the innocent getting tortured! If he complains about his citizens getting murdered by the Xenonians, isn't he being a hypocrite too? He is so and says that he is correct and we are wrong! Anyways, my main goals for this speech is to get you to begin guerilla warfare with the Shi'ites, and stand by our allies by accepting their aid. There is no question we need their help. Allah is with us and we will win!"
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Hello, I am Lucia Svadin, and lets continue our war update."
CIVIL WAR IN KHEVIN
Lucia Svadin: "Earlier today the SARF forces stormed the town hall in Guevaran. They bypassed all security forces and preceded to assassinate the mayor Mariah Barakgazi. The SARF has been even more dangerous as of late. Vladimir Zhogin has sent 15,000 ground troops to Motheus to defend it from he invaders. Lets talk to our military correspondent Aleksandre Sergeyevich about this matter."
Aleksandre Sergeyevich: "Thank you Lucia. Guevaran has been taken from the government's grasp. The SARF had 20,000 soldiers storm Guevaran Centre. The SARF set up explosives around another military convoy of the KAF defending the town hall. My source says that they detonated five bombs and sent two suicide bombers at the convoy. All members of the patrol were killed, except one. He was later beheaded in a message to the government. Once the soldiers were killed, they broke down the doors before a lockdown could be implemented. They shot down the guards, preceded through the corridor and shot the mayor of Guevaran. In response, Vladimir Zhogin knew that taking back Guevaran would be a risk, so he decided to allocate soldiers to the SARF's next target; Motheus."
Lucia Svadin: "Thank you. In Tokiaqitm mall, a man shoved a man off of a stage and then raised the SARF's flag and begun to wave it. He was reported by a citizen and arrested on the charges of support of terrorists. He will be placed in jail for one year."
Man showing support for SARF
Lucia Svadin: "The casualties of this war have been up to 1,300 soldiers of the KAF, 500 civilians, and 5 soldiers of the SARF."
Explosion at Military Convoy
Lucia Svadin: "We wish all in Guevaran good luck with this terrorist occupation and pray for those who have died."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "It is true now. Khevin is now engulfed in a civil war. Travel to the city of Guevaran is now banned. In a recent attack today the SARF has bombed several targets in downtown Guevaran. One hundred soldiers of the KAF were killed. Over three hundred civilians were killed in the attack as well. We will elaborate on that attack later. Another accident has happened today. A bomb exploded in Valkoan killing all Ryasian soldiers that were to be integrated into the KAF to fight the SARF. It also killed all of the Islamic State Militants to fight the SARF. Khevin will be paying compensation to Ryas and the families of the dead. In a new press release Vladimir Zhogin stated, 'We have taken full responsibility for their untimely and tragic deaths. We promised Ryas that we would pay full compensation for their possible deaths. Due to it being our accident, we have decided with Mr. Valko's help, we will be sending 9.8 million Khevinist Rubles to Ryas for reparations.' Vladimir Zhogin also said he will not be sending any money to the Islamic State because they 'invaded our territory.' On to the fighting in Guevaran. The new Polish city built by Vladimir Zhogin a year ago, has done what Che Guevara has done; started a revolution, but on the wrong side. The SARF killed many soldiers training in Guevaran."
Wounded solider being carried away after attack
Lucia Svadin: "Let's go to our military correspondent, Aleksandre Sergeyevich."
Aleksandre Sergeyevich: "Thank you Lucia. It happened around eight AM this morning. One hundred soldiers were traveling through the streets to a military base, only to find a bomb. But it was too late. The bomb exploded killing several military personnel and civilians. In the anarchy ensuing, several SARF members holding Kalashnikovs came at the soliders in all directions firing. The fight lasted five hours, ending with all of the soliders dying and no SARF casualties. This is not a good start to this war."
Lucia Svadin: "The nation of Foxburo has sanctioned the Khevinist governemt for 'oppressing Shiites, not letting them have a representation, and bigotry. No other nation has supported this move, but most nations have showed their disgust for Foxburo's decision to embargo us. Vladimir Zhogin has shown Foxburo's leader, Fox Fire many articles, investigations, and news broadcasts showing the SARF's malevolence and destruction. I have something to say to Foxburo. How can you say the SARF has done nothing wrong? Why do you sanction a government trying to do what is right for his people? He did not bomb himself to stay in power. He stayed in the building while it was on fire to rescue the injured. I was raped when Andrej Vishtodos kidnapped all of the KNN staff. I witnessed my friends being brutally tortured and murdered. You say this is right by embargoing Khevin."
Lucia Svadin: "Allah blesses all who died in Guevaran and all who currently reside in Guevaran. Safety is wished upon you."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Lets go straight to Vladimir Zhogin's update on the attack of the Capital Building in Tokiaqitm."
Vladimir Zhogin: "People of Khevin. Citizens of Khevin. We have faced another tragic attack. It is with no doubt that the SARF is to blame. They have killed thousands more once again. They have left this country in distraught. Terrified. Scared. We have looked at all of the evidence; the missing senators from the vote yesterday, the terrorists who got aid from Semyon Marshenko. They were all the cause of this attack. We are hiding from a minority. A dangerous one. Now is not the time to hide. We must not give up! I hereby declare war on the SARF! We must eradicate these terrorists. They claim we are fascists and infidels. They think all Sunnis are stupid and they only care about themselves. Sergei Sebdonov and all known SAF members are now on the terror watch list. They also are now being under surveillance by the KIA. I call upon all able citizens to lead the fight against the SARF and all who wish to cause harm upon us!"
*A Shiite walks onto the stage*
Shiite: "I demand all brethren of mine to defeat these false Shiites. They are hypocrites and must be destroyed. I, Khayri Zalenko voted against this man's deposition because of this. He is a strong, capable leader. I am now being threatened by other Shiites. This is war. I have enlisted in the KAF to fight them in the battlefronts."
Vladimir Zhogin: "We, Shiite and Sunni unite to defend Khevin from these disasters and to protect all of us."
*Explosion in the background. The TV screen statics. Two men stand next to each other with a black background.*
Man 1: "We have just detonated another bomb at the Capital Building. The Shiites will have supreme domination over you statist enslaving monsters! You all remember me, right? I freed Semyon Marshenko from your hellish prisons. He will be the SARF's general in this war."
Semyon Marshenko: "We also freed Abdul Ali as well. You betrayed me Vladimir Zhogin, so you will be killed along with the rest of you Zhoginists."
Andrej Vishtodos: "Oh, Lucia, it was fun holding you captive when I did. Be prepared."
Semyon Marshenko: "Yes, be prepared Vladimir Zhogin. Be prepared."
Vladimir Zhogin: "I call for a state of emergency. All men, women, and children must go indoors, into their basement. We are setting up war shelters and refugee camps for the misplaced. Khayri Zalenko and I will be leading the troops to defeat these insurgents."
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Translated to English: Lucia Svadin: "Lets go back to the voting process."
Nashwa Banik: "Let's continue the voti-"
BANG!
*The ceiling collapses. Fire starts swarming around the inside of the capital building. A man hurries to rescue people out of the firestorm.*
Lucia Svadin: "Oh my. The capital building just fell. How in the Orbis..."
*Camera switches to outside view of capital building. It is engulfed in flames*
Lucia Svadin: "It appears as if this was arson, maybe a terrorist attack. Um.... We will give you an update on the situation later. Stay tuned."
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Translated to English: Hello, I'm Lucia Svadin and let's go to Vladimir Zhogin's deposition vote.
Speaker of the Senate Nashwa Banik: "We have all members of the Senate present. Say Ae for a vote for our Supreme President Vladimir Zhogin's deposition. Say Nai for against it. Lets start with the Conservative Party Members. Artem Algorovich."
Artem Algorovich: "Nai."
Speaker of the Senate Nashwa Banik: "Ismail Lang."
Ismail Lang: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Two to zero in favor Vladimir Zhogin. On to the Liberal Alliance. Luka Nurmi."
Luka Nurmi: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Aapo Kristiansen."
Aapo Kristiansen: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Bjoern Harmaajarvi."
Bjoern Harmaajarvi: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Three to two in favor of deposition. On to the Shiite Anarchist Front. Jalal Nagi.
Jalal Nagi: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Irakli Stasiuk."
Irakli Stasiuk: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Nimat Ajam."
Nimat Ajam: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Tamazi Nagi."
Tamazi Nagi: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Kharyi Zalenko."
Khayri Zalenko: "Nai."
*Gasps. Someone in the SAF section screams, "You traitor!"*
Nashwa Banik: "Quiet! Ibrahim Simonis."
Ibrahim Simonis: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Ridha Stasiuk."
Ridha Stasiuk: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Rafiq Ali."
Rafiq Ali: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Jawdat Tawfeek."
Jawdat Tawfeek: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Vincentas Ahmed."
Vincentas Ahmed: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Hatim Bousaid."
Hatim Bousaid: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Yasid Ahmed."
Yasid Ahmed: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Rostom Wasylyshyn."
Rostom Wasylyshyn: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Aleksandre Wolanski."
Aleksandre Wolanksi: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Nojus Muhammad."
Nojus Muhammad: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Hryhoriy Karim."
Hryhoriy Karim: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Mykhailo El-Mofty."
Mykhailo El-Mofty: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Sadi Budny."
Sadi Budny: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Wafai Hussein."
Wafai Hussein: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Akaki Hozel."
Akaki Hozel: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: " Twenty Two to Three in favor of deposition. Ignas El-Hashem."
Ignas El-Hashem: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Isa Ajam."
Isa Ajam: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Jabr Abujamal."
Jabr Abujamal: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Maksimillian Kuznetsov."
Maksimillian Kuznetsov: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Ipati Najem."
Ipati Najem: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Sulaiman Orlov:"
Sulaiman Orlov: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Almas Fyodorov."
Almas Fyodorov: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Vladlin Polzen."
Vladlin Polzen: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Yaroslav Bogomolov."
Yaroslav Bogomolov: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Kazimir Saab."
Kazimir Saab: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Alyosha Hussein."
Alyosha Hussein: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Yuli Ahmed."
Yuli Ahmed: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Yuri Vasilyev."
Yuri Vasilyev: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Jaffer Ivanov."
Jaffer Ivanov: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Yulian Abdullah."
Yulian Abdullah: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Gennadi Alfarsi."
Gennadi Alfarsi: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Dawud Alkaev."
Dawud Alkaev: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Asad Markovic."
Asad Markovic: "Abtens."
Nashwa Banik: "Siya Sokoloff."
Siya Sokoloff: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Salil Pavlov."
Salil Pavlov: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Yaser Volkov."
Yaser Volkov: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Istvan Voynov."
Istvan Voynov: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Daud Lagounov."
Daud Lagounov: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: "Mahir Yakovlev."
Mahir Yakovlev: "Nai."
Nashwa Banik: "Lavrenty Albaf."
Lavrenty Albef: "Ae."
Nashwa Banik: " Half way through. Thirty five to fourteen in favor of deposition. One abtens. We will continue soon."
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Translated to English: Hello, I'm Lucia Svadin, and we have Breaking News...
BREAKING NEWS!!
In Canada, earlier today, it has been revealed Vladimir Zhogin sent in the Khevinists to kill Michael Ventrous. In a new press release, he stated, "Canada's migrants? The disappearing ones? They're with us. We made our own Underground Railroad. Through USA, to the East Coast of the two countries. Then off to Khevin via Norway and Finland and Russia. We took them all in. And Michael Ventrous dead? That was us. We've been on Canada's side all this time. We wanted to free Canada of the oppression it has been through lately. We pretended all this time. The Dioists in the firefight, fake. They were prisoners offered freedom. We truly hated Michael Ventrous. We congratulate Eric for winning the election and we hope the Khevinists will be released and will be brought back to Khevin." The Foreign Minister of Khevin Maskhek Kateb and Mila Alfarsi made an identical statement after this revelation.
Mila Alfasi and Maskhek Kateb's statement: "I am, for one, shocked by how good of a liar Vladimir Zhogin is. He made us think he was a horrible person, defying all the principles and standards he set up for us. I am now embarrassed for the humility we are putting on him. This vote can not be withdrawn, but we will vote against it. Hopefully, the rest of the Zhoginist Party will see through this as well."
Sergei Sebdonov also made a statement on this.
Sergei Sebdonov: "I think we are all shocked about this. But I still call for every member of the Senate to vote for his deposition. He still lied for this. Didn't he state in She Zhoginist Manifetso, that Machiavellian activity is a scorn on society? No? Sorry, I never read it."
Michael Ventrous was assassinated by the Khevinist terrorists on live TV and Canadian police shot at them, but lost them. Our leader is a brave and strong one, we should keep him in office!
*Canadian and Khevinist National Anthems playing*
I'm Lucia Svadin, have a good day, and good news.
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