Introduction and Play #1
Entry posted by TheNG ·
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Hello everybody! As I'm sure you all know who I am, at least a little bit, so I'll skip the introductions. I'd like for this blog to be a place where you guys can occasionally see my thoughts, perhaps a different perspective from the standard. (Or perhaps not....) In addition, I'd like to feature some content that it is hard to have on the main forums, with that in mind, (and at the request of several) I'm going to be posting my plays in their full here, so they're easier to read without scrolling through pages of forums. For those who know Pre is too biased, here is my 100% factual history of the Marionette War, from the view of all your favorite alliances! (I unfortunately had to split it into three parts, but at least you don't have to dig through !@#$posts)
The (Insert Name Here) War, A Play
Written by: TheNG
Edited by: TheNG
Starring:
Rose as itself
Guardian as itself
Seven Kingdoms as itself
Terminus Est as itself
Brotherhood of the Clouds as itself
The Dutch East India Company as itself
United Purple Nations as itself
Act 1
Scene 1 - A small park near a major road.
Scene: Children are playing on playground equipment, and Sheepy lounges on a lawn chair being fed grapes.
Enter Guardian, Rose, Terminus Est, and Seven Kingdoms
Guardian
You know, its been a long time since we had some fun
There isn't much to do when you're secretly allied to nearly all major alliances
Rose
We could, uh, play on the slide?
Guardian
Ugh, Rose, that is the stupidest thing you've said all day. What are we, two years old?
Rose wails and begins to smash its head against a tree
Guardian
Oh fer- ROSE! STOP IT! I'm sorry I said you're stupid! Listen, we'll play on the slide with you, OK?
Rose backs away from the tree and grins lopsidedly
Seven Kingdoms
You know, Guardian, you can call Rose childish, but we are all kind of young, I just turned one year old actually.
Guardian
​Shut up SK. You know that I can't stand to be proven wrong...
Seven Kingdoms
But all I said was-
Guardian grabs Seven Kingdoms by the throat and pins it against a tree. Terminus Est and Rose look on
Guardian
*low, deadly whisper*
I said SHUT UP! Do you want to be shitposted!? Do you want to end up like SI?
Seven Kingdoms
*In between choking noises*
No... I don't... want to.. be..
Guardian lets go of Seven Kingdoms and straightens its fedora
Guardian
Well, choking SK gave me a great idea, lets go beat up and bully those innocent children.
Rose
But what about the slide?
Guardian gives Rose an evil look, under which Rose quails. Terminus Est grins and pulls out a large, worn club
Terminus Est
I like senseless, reasonless violence! Little kids can't be all that different from seals, right?
Guardian
I like your thinking, TEst!
Enter Brotherhood of the Clouds, United Purple Nations, and The Dutch East India Company, chatting amiably but inaudibly
Guardian grins evily
Guardian
Actually, I have an even better idea.
I've just remembered that UPN had way more friends than me back in third grade.
While UPN was cool and popular, I was a lurker, a nobody.
Lets go beat them up instead!
Seven Kingdoms
So this is how you express your deep childhood trauma.
Terminus Est
If there is one thing I learned while in prison, its that with other alliances, you have to provoke them first to make us look like the good guys.
Guardian
But aren't we always the good guys?
Uh, anyway, I guess we can do it TEst's way.
Seven Kingdoms
I can pretend to be their friend to lull them off guard!
Guardian
Good plan SK!
Alright everybody, pop your collars and lets go crush these losers!
Guardian and Seven Kingdoms advance confidently toward United Purple Nations, Brotherhood of the Clouds, and The Dutch East India Company. Terminus Est lags behind them, pulling along a confused looking Rose
Seven Kingdoms
Hey guys, hows it going?
United Purple Nations, The Dutch East India Company, and Brotherhood of the Clouds look over
United Purple Nations
Uh, hello?
Seven Kingdoms
Hey bros, have you seen this new guy, New Shr-
Guardian
*interjects*
You're stupid DEIC!!! HAHAHAHAA
And you, Brotherhood, where'd you get those clothes? The lame shoe store?
Brotherhood of the Clouds
Uh...
United Purple Nations
You want something, Guardian?
Seven Kingdoms and Terminus Est pull Guardian aside
Terminus Est
*whispers*
This isn't how you do it Guardian, you're supposed to be subtle.
Seven Kingdoms
*whispers*
Since when are any of you guys subtle? Let me handle this.
Guardian
*shouts*
Screw subtlety, I'm gonna murder 'em!
​United Purple Nations, Brotherhood of the Clouds, and The Dutch East India Company look at Guardian in surprise
Terminus Est
Haha! Feel the wrath of my-
Terminus Est pulls a gun out of its pocket and tries to shoot United Purple Nations, but sends the bullet into its own left kneecap instead.
Rose passes out from fear and collapses to the ground
Guardian
Oh come on! Beat them up you idiots!
The Dutch East India Company, Brotherhood of the Clouds, and United Purple Nations stare in confused shock as Guardian grabs an unconscious Rose, fear shining in its eyes.
Seven Kingdoms
*Wimper*
We should probably go...
Guardian
Seven Kingdoms, grab TEst!
Guardian retreats, carrying Rose. Seven Kingdoms follows quickly, dragging TEst, who is bleeding badly from its left knee and shouting expletives.
Guardian
This isn't over! I'll be back!
Exit Guardian, Seven Kingdoms, Terminus Est, and Rose
United Purple Nations and The Dutch East India Company
What was that?
Brotherhood of the Clouds
I have no idea....
End of Scene 1
Act 1
Scene 2 - The basement of Guardian's house
Scene: The basement is messy, covered in dirty clothes, Market Manipulator's Monthly magazines, and piles of unsent hate mail to The Dutch East India Company. Two large posters of a kangaroo and a sneezing cat hang on the walls, next to a dartboard with an image of The Covenant printed on it. Sheepy stands in the corner, covering his ears as a group of people yell at him about planes and ships.
Enter Guardian, Rose, Terminus Est, and Seven Kingdoms
Guardian
*angrily*
You guys are worthless! I had them all on the ropes when you losers had to mess everything up!
Seven Kingdoms
You had it under control?
Guardian
*continues angrily*
Sometimes I don't even know why I let you incompetent fools hang out with me!
Seven Kingdoms
Because we're the only alliances who can stand you, and you have no other friends?
Guardian force chokes Seven Kingdoms
Guardian
What have I told you telling the truth when it makes me look like the terrible alliance I am?
Seven Kingdoms
*resignedly, between choking noises*
Not to do it...
Guardian
*Condescendingly*
Excellent....
Guardian releases Seven Kingdoms
Guardian
Alright SK, this was just the first round! We may have suffered slightly due to unforeseen... uh... weather.... but we need to get back at them!
Seven Kingdoms
I'm pretty sure it was entirely your fault, but whatever. Anyway, do we have to get back at them? We were supposed to be doing something fun, and this is a lot of work.
Guardian
Well, before my inane rage was merely my way of expressing my deep-seated psychopathic tendencies, and the fear of anything which is better than me. Nowthey've made it personal!
And go wake up Rose, that idiot is still passed out!
Terminus Est
*weakly*
I'm still crippled and bleeding over here.....
Guardian
Of yeah SK, fix up TEst while you're at it.
Seven Kingdoms
Why do I have to do everything?
Guardian
Because I'm the smartest one around here, and I need my brainpower to think of a good plan that you morons can't mess up.
Seven Kingdoms, grumbling, bandages Terminus Est's shattered kneecap. Rose suddenly wakes up
Rose
Did I do the good thing? Did I beat up the mean alliances?
Guardian
I hate you Rose.
Seven Kingdoms pulls Guardian aside, while Rose begins to play with a doll and a dead squirrel. Terminus Est awkwardly crawls onto Guardian's bed and begins picking its remaining teeth with a butter knife.
Seven Kingdoms
*whisper*
Listen, if we really want to hurt BoC, DEIC, and UPN, we might need some help.
I mean, all TEst can do now is provide weird "moral" support, and I don't know if Rose is really all here sometimes.
Rose lights the squirrel carcass on fire and begins to run around the basement, singing about sandwich ponies and reforming neutrals.
Guardian
*whisper*
Nonsense, Rose is a perfectly normal alliance, everything it does is very rational and reasonable.
Rose runs into a pole, and collapses backwards like a sac of dumb bricks
Guardian
*whisper*
And TEst has the highest tolerance for pain and intelligent comments I've ever seen, it'll be perfectly fine in a coup-
Wait, what is TEst doing?
Terminus Est has begun to foam at the mouth and thrash wildly, sightlessly glaring with bloodshot eyes, as it screams like a dying goat
Seven Kingdoms
*whisper*
Oh, TEst must be having another one of its alpha flashbacks, it gets them every so often.
Guardian
*freaked out whisper*
That's kind of creepy. Why did I never know about this?
Seven Kingdoms
*whisper*
Because you are always too busy being a jerk to really care about any of us.
Guardian
*whisper*
Good point.
*louder*
Alright, I've got a plan, SK, you track down any other alliances who might want to help us.
I'll take Rose and go spy on our enemies.
Seven Kingdoms
Why do we need to spy on them? We know who they are and where they live, heck, you even have UPN on speed dial.
Guardian
Don't question my true and utter genius SK, you just get us some backup, and calm down TEst.
*shouts*
Rose, come with me!
Exit Rose and Guardian
Seven Kingdoms pulls out a large stick while TEst flops off the bed and thrashes around on the floor, wailing.
Seven Kingdoms
Alright, TEst, time for your medicine...
End of Scene 2
Act 1
Scene 3 - Outside United Purple Nation's Treehouse
Scene: The treehouse nestles low in a money tree. The Dutch East India Company, Brotherhood of the Clouds, and United Purple Nations sit within it.
Guardian and Rose hide in a bush on the sidewalk 20 ft. away. Sheepy stands in the middle of the street, burning a multi at the stake.
United Purple Nations
Man, that was really weird.
Brotherhood of the Clouds
You said it, but honestly though, what do you expect from those rejects?
The Dutch East India Company
No kidding, have you heard how Rose was dropped on its head when it was born?
Rose
*excitedly*
Hey, thats my name!
Guardian
*loud whisper*
Shut Up!
Brotherhood of the Clouds
And I heard that Seven Kingdoms has never even read Game of Thrones, just the wiki article!
United Purple Nations, The Dutch East India Company, Rose, and Guardian gasp
The Dutch East India Company
Did you hear something?
United Purple Nations
Uh, I don't think so.
Anyway, do one of you guys have a spare button-down. This one has TEst's kneecap blood all over it.
Brotherhood of the Clouds passes United Purple Nations a shirt, which United Purple Nations puts on.
Guardian
Wow, UPN has really great abs...
Rose
Are you jealous?
Guardian
Completely and utterly, but-
Wait, did you say something intelligent Rose?
Rose
I tried to ride an aquarium pebble once, but then my mom hit me on the spleen with a large green toad .
Guardian
Hm, it must've just been my imagination.
Brotherhood of the Clouds
Just out of curiosity, when were you going to tell me that those guys don't like us?
The Dutch East India Company and United Purple Nations exchange glances.
The Dutch East India Company
*nervously*
Uh, totally..... of course.... We didn't tell you already?
United Purple Nations
*nervously*
Uh, must've slipped our minds. I'm so busy being popular, you know. Are you sure we didn't tell you?
Brotherhood of the Clouds
Yeah, pretty sure.
The Dutch East India Company
Anyway, what do you want to do with the afternoon?
United Purple Nations
We could get temporary tattoos and cruise around town in my convertible.
​The Dutch East India Company and Brotherhood of the Clouds
Sounds like a plan!
Guardian looks at Rose, who is licking a bud that it picked off the bush.
Guardian
*sadly*
​I wish I had friends like that...
*with increasing confidence in order to convince itself*
​Anyway, this was a highly successful espionage mission. It has only served to reinforce my preexisting notions that these fools are weak and divided. They will fall easily to my great and glorious might. Nothing will sta-
Rose inhales the bud, starts choking, and falls out from behind the bush. The Dutch East India Company, United Purple Nations, and Brothehood of the Clouds look down in surprise.
​The Dutch East India Company
Is that Rose?
Guardian rises out from behind the bush
Guardian
*loudly and shrilly*
I take no responsibility for my own actions or of those who blindly follow me!
Guardian takes off running down the street with Rose in tow. United Purple Nations, The Dutch East India Company, and Brotherhood of the Clouds look on in shock
Exit Guardian and Rose
United Purple Nations
Why are paperless alliances such weirdos?
The Dutch East India Company
*sagely*
Probably because they carry the most baggage from other places.
The Dutch East India Company, United Purple Nations, and Brotherhood of the Clouds break out laughing
End of Act 1
Holy Hell, this thing is longer than I thought. Breaking up into 2 parts.
-
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